blog shmlog

last impression

2012-01-26T15:02:00.000-08:00

in an email about recognising early warnings of brain tumour (typical mother-daughter email when your mom's a doctor btw), my mom mentioned about this blog: http://orangedansydots.blogspot.com/ it is written by a mother who lost her son to brain tumour, a collection of memories she formatted in a 3rd person's perspective to relay her thoughts to her late son. one can't help but feel how strong her love is from her writing... and you can share the missing and yearning she feels for him. truly, there is nothing like a mother's love.

life is very fragile. too fragile that had i not have my faith and religion, i would be renderred hopeless at the thought of everything i work for and know of could end in a blink of an eye. too often in our busy lives, we get absorbed in our little goals that we forget to appreciate that our mere existance is a gift and worse, the people around us. this is a reminder to myself, to simply ask myself these questions every now and then... do i want someone's last memory of me to be when i snapped at him/her when i had an irritating day? will i forever regret not making that phone call to talk to someone because i was busy working? have i hugged my mom enough and tell her i love her? do i have tomorrow to say sorry?

it is cliched i know, but treat people like it is the last impression you'll leave of yourself. it might be your time, it might be theirs, such is life and death. i've heard of the phrase "only in thinking of his death, does a man live". i know to the unfamiliar ears, it is an odd concept to embrace but to me, there is beauty in recognising our time here is short and making the most of it. no wonder zikrul maut is one of the sought after akhlaq of a muslim. and i like this saying by dalai lama:

to those reading, forgive me if i had wronged you or hurt your feelings. much love.

marching in the wards

2012-01-23T08:07:00.000-08:00

http://efenem.wordpress.com/2009/09/12/housemanship-in-malaysia-best-in-the-world/

i agree to a lot of things prof lokman said, especially about working hours... although i dont agree on 3 points:

1) that the problem lies among people who went to medschool because their parents told them to. while i can see how this can be problematic, it is an old-school line of thinking and is uncommon. the statistic of 1 out of 5 young doctors suffering from some form on depression/anxiety/mental illness is too high to ignore...and i can assure you that most of these people started off fine like you and me, got into med school from hard work and passion, have good interpersonal skills, but they are oppressed by the system.

2) an interview, while may weed out starkly interpersonally-handicapped people or people already with mental illnesses, will not touch the core of the problem, the working place itself.

3) i think all these stresses on "maybe we should choose other people to be doctors?" take away the main focus which is "maybe we should change the condition doctors work in?". .

i get so mad when people stopped housemen from complaining "because you knew what you were in for". fact is, we get out of medical school NOT expecting to one day be treated like a king, but neither do we expect to enter a military boot camp. we do this because we are passionate about medicine, and passion is such a terrible thing to kill. our workplace shouldn't be a survival test, and a good working environment benefits everyone especially the patients. in the end, isn't that what matters most? if u put a good doctor and ask him to work 36 hours with 3 hours of sleep, even he will make mistakes.

i do not mean to make this sound like a complain...because i know issues like these require proactive actions, in terms of "what can i do to remedy this?". i got a backlash once from a friend for discussing matters at home, when me myself am planning to work in the UK for a while. someone i knew also brandished overseas graduates who don't come back straight away after graduating with words such as lacking patriotism, traitors and cowards, but to me, it's a case of misery loving company. if i was in a position to change things, then i'd gladly do so. what use is jumping into a sinking boat when you don't know how to repair it? i do not want to kill the love i have for what i'm doing. don't get me wrong, i do very much want to and plan to come back and return what i owe to my country. but i'd rather come back as someone who holds a position or power to make a change in the system. i plan to come back with a voice, as a specialist who has experience in comparing what works and what doesn't... maybe a consultant. i don't know, maybe these are all just tall youthful dreams. and maybe many of these won't be realised. but whatever it is, u can bet on me not being one of those Napoleons.

inshaAllah.

if there's one person you could be nice to...

2012-01-19T06:41:00.000-08:00

hmmm why not let it be yourself?

so my finals is in less than 6 weeks, and im starting to break into cold sweat just thinking about it. worse is i need to finish my project, which to be honest i really have a lot of interest in, if only i dont have the thoughts of finals breathing on my neck all the time. so i sometimes sink into a cycle of despair-->hopelessness-->dont' want to do work--->more despair and that goes on and on. in short, fear and self-doubt were starting to cripple me.

after some thinking to myself, i started developing a system where i reward myself after every little milestones that i reach. i.e. i'd make something to eat, write a post on my blog for u guys (terharu tak? ;P ) or watch 10minutes of Running Man (oh yes, that korean gameshow. I KNOW, i never liked k/j-pop or dramas, but i absolutely love running man. i think it's because i'm a type A person and i get excited by games and having silly fun like that). so back to my point. i do that, and surely, ive been progressing a lot more than i had before.

my point is, we have to be nice to ourselves. reward ourselves often and generously when we deserve it, and keep to the promises that we make to ourselves. instead of going "i'm gonna change the world tomorrow!", try something smaller but more objective...and reward ourselves when we reach there. i know it sounds like something you would do to train your pets but what are human beings other than high-functioning organisms (and i know some who might not be far away from apes ;) ) .

the distance may be far, but don't expect to reach the destination with a giant leap. a 1000 small steps however, will take you there :) pray for my success in getting that elusive Dr in front of my name, ok! much love.

you...me...pikcha?

2012-01-18T16:13:00.000-08:00

ok tell me this happens to you guys too.
east asian tourists just love taking pictures with me and my friends!

i started noticing this in egypt. a random(possibly mainland chinese/ japanese) tourist couple came to us and pointed to a camera. i thought they wanted us to take a picture of them, but he quickly shook his head and said in limited english, "u..me..pikcha". before you know it, a group of them were flocking us and taking pictures with us at the pyramids. and when i say flocking, i wasn't being funny, it was one camera after another...you know how east asian tourists (malaysians included) love to travel together in one big tourist bus? it felt like the whole bus were taking pictures with us. Then when i went to turkey with my bestie, anis, a similar thing happened to us in ephesus. i found it funny that this occured, and my logic was because we were in muslim countries, they might have mistaken us for the locals. it kinda made me feel cheeky in a way too for leading them on.

So you'd think this wont happen in european countries right? wrong. again it happened at the vatican in italy. again, east asian tourists. so by the time i went to spain, i started getting pretty curious. i then conducted a little experiment :P we were at this nice garden in cordoba, when i saw a group of east asian tourists nearby. so i just sort of lingered around closer to them with my friend......... annnnnnnd true enough, the familiar happened. cameras were handed down and many a-photos were snapped that day. (funny side story: after the little experiment, thinking that they were japanese, being the polite, culturally-aware person that i am, i bowed and said "arigato" to one of them. this makcik gave me a very sharp glare which prompted me to ask "korea?" to which she replied with a curt "de!". lol i learned the invaluable lesson of NEVER mixing up koreans with japanese. oopsie. sorry ahjumma, saranghae!)

so anyway, back to the topic... to me, one of the biggest perks of travelling is to just see people. on one hand, the locals that paint the culture of a place, but also the tourists who get together from places far away to just immerse themselves in a culture far from home.

any of you guys, especially msian girls who wear hijabs, also experience the same thing? what do you think is the reason for this? i find it baffling in a flattering way that this happened many times, and perhaps as much as they puzzle me in the uniqueness that makes them who they are, i must have puzzled them too in ways that i'm not aware myself... whatever the reason is, it gives me a warm feeling that somewhere out there, there might be pictures of me in a stranger's vacation album perhaps with captions written in language i can't speak or read: "Our group with an egyptian/turkish/italian/spanish girl". puahaha.

here's an example of them. if i can give a shoutout, i just wanna let them know that they're one of the reasons that makes travelling so interesting to me! love love

do you know what it takes to be a doctor?

2011-11-19T06:09:00.000-08:00

trees, and a lot of them.

so in these few months (about 14 weeks. oh shit) leading to finals, naturally, i do one of those things that students do when cramming for finals. "finding and accumulating resources". generally what it means is that, we go through our old pile of notes from years back, we print out new notes that our already-doctor friends swear by, file this in colourful folders, buy highlighters and post-its. basically we do everything to 'prepare ourselves', everything but actually sitting down to read it :P

so back to me. i never throw my notes away. maybe you can say i am a hoarder, one of those people who cant seem to throw stuffs away, but in my defense, ive always had trouble throwing 'ilmu' stuffs, ive trouble throwing things that contain knowledge (like books, notes, beginner welsh language DVDs, etc ) just because i feel like i havent really stored them all in my brain...and i might you know, wanna come back to it. so yes, i do have my notes and handouts since my first year of medical school. yup right back to the anatomy shenanigans. and gosh, there was a lottttt of papers and books and files. i swear a whole forest must had died to make up papers for my notes. well at least now we know one sure-fire way to save the environment- stop education.

in a moment of self-loving, i found my cardiorespiratory and gastro notes from 3rd year. i was just thinking about having to make new ones but now i dont have to anymore! so hoarder or not, i love myself today. hmmmmmm maybe i deserve a break from studying.... ;)

p.s.: my room also now smells of roses. which makes every breath i take happy! yay!

i know, it's just really a cardboard chest full of papers, zero organisation. oops.

hehe. makeup masterclass. that was a gift okay. and i learned that i have "fair skin with yellow undertones" so uhh.that's one good thing out of it

OK these arent medical books but still.

the mysterious end

2011-11-06T11:22:00.000-08:00

i love The Little Prince.
if you follow my blog, or my life, you will know that it is a recurrent theme often quoted and requoted. what strikes me most about it -other than complex life lessons told in a simplistic, almost childish way- is its ending. it never really tells you what happened to the little prince. did he kill himself and die? did he get to go back to the planet? if he did, is the rose still there? did she survive the baobab infestation- with her little thorn? is the whole story just imaginary, dehydrated ramblings of a man stranded in the desert?

if i could meet antoine de st exupary, i would ask him...unfortunately he carried this mystery to his grave. and being the great man that he was to create such masterpiece, i doubt that he would give an answer to that even if he was alive.

personally, if i was the rose, if the whole planet reminded of the little prince, i would want to disappear off it... if it is meant to be, the slim chance it is that such encounter will happen again, it will happen. but as it is, such is my choice.

that love hate relationship i have

2011-11-05T11:12:00.000-07:00

hello!
so lately,ive been thinking about shaving off people from my friends list.
by applying your logic, im sure you know that i do not know 3000+ people personally. i dont know when it spiralled out of control. i can hypothesize though. i am sometimes a bit lazy about checking who people are, so i just accept anyone with friends in common. and his/her friends add me and....one thing leads to another then BOOM! 3000 happened :P well...i dont mind really. i dont check my newsfeed all that much to start off with. and when i do, and something big happens, it's always nice to see and hear people's points of views. people who i may not in my life, encounter with...and people from different backgrounds in society.

HOWEVER, i think because of this, people kind of expect me to be all chummy and personal with them. worse if they take offense over me not responding to such requests. i am a rather private person. while i like my opinions heard, and i welcome a talk or two about issues that interest me, when it comes to my personal life and those who are dear to me, i am very protective. i let very few people in, and when i do, it takes time for me to. if you read that as being sombong, I'M SORRY. it is not my intention. i have a lot of respect for people who have the courage to put themselves out there for the world to see, but publicity scares me. when i did that little photoshoot a year back, i get people asking if i could do more and model some hijabs. however, i dont see myself being comfortable with being recognised so i shied away from those offers. it is just not for me...perhaps not now.

let me just do my own thing and if you like that, great! if you dont, awww :( well im sure youll find some other things you'll like :) tada.

lets not be whales

2011-10-29T02:18:00.000-07:00

so i read this article that has been spread around about choosing whether you want to be the little mermaid or the blue whale.it went on to paint the little mermaid as being a depressed anorexic creature with probable borderline personality disorder and the whale as having a whale of a life (pun intended), raising little kid whales, eating prawns and being sexually active. it also has a naked picture of a woman a bit on the chubby side.

now, i'm all for feeling beautiful in the body you're given, but encouraging girls to be whales? AW CMONNNNNNN! surely that's a bit much.

i am very much aware of the issue of anorexia being a serious and potentially fatal condition and moving girls away from that, but i feel like our society nowadays puts too much emphasis on the phrase "big is beautiful". obesity is a huge problem and is the bulk of much healthcare cost, almost worldwide. obesity kills as much as anorexia or bullimia does...why isn't it addressed as much? being a rather slight person myself, i get people thinking that it's appropriate to squeeze my waist and tell me to eat pizza, so why is that not as offensive as squeezing another person's double chin and telling him to eat less cakes?

my point is i wish people give a more realistic view on this. we should stop feeding ideas in our little girls' brains that it's okay to stuff their faces with fatty foods because someday, the right person will come and love them as what they come in as. stop turning them into modern day sleeping beauties, and let them know that they have a choice to be in control of their lives. neither anorexia nor obesity is beautiful, and perhaps rather than enforcing our view on what someone has to be to look beautiful, just go by the fact that a healthy lifestyle and diet needs to be everyone's aim, regardless of their body size.

remnants

2011-10-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

I watched Memento just now. It's a perplexing movie, but I find some scenes relatable, tangible. Christopher Nolan is an artist for coming up with this:

"I don't even know how long she's been gone. It's like I've woken up in bed and she's not here... because she's gone to the bathroom or something. But somehow, I know she's never gonna come back to bed. If I could just... reach over and touch... her side of the bed, I would know that it was cold, but I can't. I know I can't have her back... but I don't want to wake up in the morning, thinking she's still here. I lie here not knowing... how long I've been alone. So how... how can I heal? How am I supposed to heal if I can't... feel time? "

Time and memory have a curious relationship. Time moves on with or without your permission, and with it, it erases memory. Yet it never does a clean job. It leaves remnants. Hidden in little things, like easter eggs. Then you stumble upon one of these little things... and it's like time never passed. To you who are reading this, I don't know what that thing that will jolt your memory of me is...it may be a collection of things, maybe a song, maybe an old abandoned blog...whatever it is, perhaps your memory will retrace back slowly to how i became a memory.

of all the bright machineries

2011-10-19T23:40:00.000-07:00

hello! im a terrible blogger. it's been a terribly busy few weeks for me. i didnt even get to think about myself on my birthday (which was 2 days ago). all i think about is my job application and my finals. i do have some things i wish to talk about, so wait out for me okay? hope you guys are keeping well too. here, this song reminds me of that birthday wish that was lost in time:

Come around for tea
Dance me round and round the kitchen
By the light of my T.V
On the night of the election
Ancient stars will fall into the sea
And the ocean floor sings her sympathy

Drive me miles away
Escape the sky that we lay under
Of all the dreams we cannot shake
We're always shaking in our slumber
In the car don't let me fall asleep
I might leave my heart here on your vinyl seat

Well the sound of the city's now long gone
And in the silence of the park and every darkened cinema
Feel the little changes coming on
So come to me where you belong

Of all the bright machinery
Love's the strangest of inventions
How could this all just turn on me?
When all I wanted was perfection
And you are
That's what you are to me
You're the brightest star when all the world's asleep

Well the sound of the city's now long gone
And in the silence of the park and every darkened cinema
Feel the little changes coming on
So come to me where you belong
Come to me where you belong

dance

2011-09-22T09:33:00.000-07:00

as some of you may know, im taking zumba classes now. i love the moves and the fun and the feeling that no one cares if you suck, just dance.
anyway, i am determined to learn cha cha!
i saw the video of me doing salsa 3 years back and that put me in hysterics!
i do love it though, perhaps that's the Shakira part of me speaking.
some photos over the years

beauty is a responsibility

2011-09-14T13:22:00.000-07:00

today i was rushing here and there, so i went next door to print out some stuffs wearing my hoodie over my head. kind of like a temporary hijab, the hoodiejab.

the guy who's always seen me around was a bit surprised, prolly because he always sees me around in hijab, or maybe because i looked like i was gonna rob the place with my hoodie on. he commented on my hoodie. he said it was very nice and pink. (it was, it was shocking pink to be exact). then he looked sort of underneath my hoodiejab and said "you must be beautiful without your headgear". i was a bit confused at first but when he motioned an imaginary thing wrapping around his head, i figured he meant hijab. so i replied "so i'm not beautiful with it?" with a laugh of course. he just said something along the line of no, i still look lovely but different, yada yada yada lol.

i do get that sometimes. and i do understand what he's trying to say. lets face it, we all do, unless we're bald under there or don't have cheekbones. women, are beautiful creatures. we are created with wonderful precision, every curve, every delicate feature but it doesn't mean we all have to walk around naked to prove that. i agree that sometimes the shallow part of me contemplates on the idea of using that appeal to my advantage, or just not being looked at/ treated differently when i wear a hijab, and i share this with my friends. but in the end, we agree that it is a sacrifice that we do, perhaps partly for the eyes who deserve it, but also for the faith that we have. the thing about sacrifices is...they aren't easy. that's why i never judge my muslim friends who choose not to yet. but the cause is always worth it.

i admit that i am not perfect in aurat, my young soul still dabbles with vanity from time to time. very much so, it's only natural! but i can honestly say that wearing a hijab had protected me a lot of times, not only from going going down the hoochie line clothes-wise (picking up that miniskirt, or wearing that bikini, etc), but also in my behaviour (because i'm now representing my religion, not just myself) and from going to places i shouldn't be going. isn't it wonderful that islam makes you responsible about something as delicate as your beauty? to recognise that it is a power (and indeed, it is) to be held and guarded with care? well i think it is. what about you? :)

i love seeing gorgeous women who cover perfectly. to an outsider, these women may seem oppressed. to me, they're confident women who are sure of themselves, to put themselves out there under the scrutiny and judgement of others, to offer only their demeanour and intelligence first to represent themselves, to strip themselves off vanity and the power that is temporary...they are women who know the worth of her beauty and someday inshaAllah, i wish to be one of them.

as a child

2011-09-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

"How do you expect me to behave? As a child I saw Tarzan almost naked, Cinderella arrived home after midnight, Pinocchio told lies, Aladdin was a thief, Batman drove over 200 miles an hour, Snow White lived in a house with 7 men, Popeye smoked a pipe and had tattoos, Pac Man ran around to digital music while eating pills that enhanced his performance and Shaggy and Scooby were mystery solving hippies that always had the munchies."

saw this on a friend's post, loved it. hope it cheers up your day!

oh yes, about me. i've been having productive but happy days lately, alhamdulillah. i feel like i can focus on a lot more things and my goals in life. days like these.. you know they might not last forever, and you definitely will have bad days in the future..but here's wishing i can freeze this time and remember it when it is needed.

V

2011-09-06T05:41:00.000-07:00

i think i need a character revamp.

in the age and time where assertiveness is the currency, there's no place for waiting for your turn in the queue. i need to go out there and just do it.

how a thank you can change the world

2011-08-17T15:49:00.000-07:00

hello!
salam ramadan!

i was fuming a couple of weeks back because i couldnt contact *this* airline about my flight date, then again when a certain bank i had been trying to get a card from failed to send the completed request form to the HQ a week after i sent it to them, despite me being clear about needing it soon before i go back to the UK. so yes, ive been reminded a couple of times about how my country is a developing country which still needs improvements in providing services.

the thing that really frustrates me is inefficiency. i'd like to think of myself as responsible in that if i'm entrusted with a job, i strive my best to see it through. i'm an all or nothing sort of person, if i think i wont be able to commit to something, i just dont take on the job. so it really frustrates me when i see a half-a$$ed job being done.

and then my mom told me about this one time when she received a great assistance from another bank, and she was so impressed by the service, she wrote a personal letter to the superior to thank and recognise the worker-in-charge. this person called my mom later to thank her after he got a special mention from his boss during an important meeting, and it had made his day, if not helped his career.

given the opportunity to study in the UK, i've had 4 years of appreciating the work attitude here, and i can't help but sometimes wonder about how this is achieved and how is it different from malaysia. how do you change a nation's mentality? the thing i realised it, we are sometimes great at criticising something, but we might not be so great at giving a compliment when it's due. i may even go so far to say that a large part of why and how we do things is through fear. it's everywhere in the system, since we were little malaysian kids: potong kuku kalau tak cikgu pukul tangan! memorise this book if you dont wanna fail SPM! go to work if you dont wanna get fired!

now fear is perhaps a strong cause but it's not a great motivater. what it does is it creates a bunch of people who do something not because they desire to, but because they fear of retribution. much like people in prison, we are imprisoned by school or work, desperate to find sneaky ways of getting out without facing punishment. why do you think the act of buying sick certificates even exists here? we undermine the power of positive reinforcement. so whose job is it to create a working / learning environment that is actually welcoming and not hostile? well, why dont we start with ourselves? all of us here have a chance to, be it as consumers or parents or teachers or leaders or coaches, we all have a chance to i'm sure. after all, how hard is it to make your appreciation known when you mean it?

how hard is it to say thank you? :)

de s'aimer un peu

2011-08-15T15:14:00.000-07:00

hello!
sorry for the rather depressing last post. the past few weeks had been a life experience course for me. it taught me the lesson of how love can make or break a friendship. you can love a friend but you can't be in love with a friend. it's amazing how two prepositions can change the outlook of a friendship very much. the past few days also taught me something ive always known before, the changing nature of people. are you aware of the four personality traits? well personality wise, i'm a mixture between sanguine and phlegmatic. what it means is that while i am warm to people (generally, if you dont scare me ;) ), i'm also sensitive to changes. coupled with my rather analytical mind, i often observe how my relationships with people change over time. what saddens me most is to see deterioration. i much rather an acquaintance that had aways been constantly superficial, than watch a close relationship (of any kind; love, friendship) turns bad.

but then there's the age-old question of why do people meet just to separate in the end? i'm a staunch believer of there being a reason for everything. be it to pick up a piece of puzzle to complete your life, or to push that piece of domino that sequentially starts off a life event, there will be a reason. we may have no idea of what it is, but then, maybe there is a reason for that as well..

p.s. i was looking at some audio help to learn a new language, and was torn between french and japanese when it strikes me an important one i should master beforehand. it's universal, it's important and i think a lot of people should know it. yes, sign language. i promised to myself i shall commit to this and if any of you have a recommendation on how i should go about this, do let me know :) meanwhile i'm still gonna fluff about french songs and appreciate its sound.

have a good day and ramadan!

dispensable.

2011-08-13T23:11:00.000-07:00

promises are silly. silly to make and silly to believe in.

how do you say you know how you'll react to things, when something hasnt happened yet.. and you dont know yet how you'll feel about things?
how do you tell the future and pro-decide?
you can't. you literally can't promise.

it's ironic that most relationships thrive on promises. after all, a marriage is one big promise isn't it?

thrive and fall. thrive then fall.

p.s. i'm trying to learn french, but it's not brilliant as it's on my own accord, my own pace. a part of me thinks i will someday become a waitress in france.

read this when you're old

2011-08-05T02:07:00.000-07:00

i like old people.
i grew up getting very attached to my grandparents. a lot of my childhood memories, the good times have their faces etched in them. i cared for my grandma till close to her passing. sometimes i feel like old age reverts a person back to their childlike state. we go back to needing help with feeding and bathing, then there is dementia, which may render our intelligence to nothing it was before, and before we know it, things we say become 'cute' again.

i went back to my mom's hometown last weekend. met some of my old uncles and aunts. i got to look at some old pictures, back when things were in black and white, when high waisted trousers were in. it's pretty funny but surreal to think my old relatives used to be those people in the pictures. did they realise when time passed them by? did they realise the age creeping up?

do i realise that someday im gonna be in that same position, and that who i am now will be but a picture in an old album, a memory written in a blog, a person who my older self might not even recognise? it's as flaming lips puts it. every meeting, every acquaintance ends with death. either that of the others' or of our own. do we realise that?

how do you build a country?

2011-07-28T23:42:00.000-07:00

i'm sure a lot of you are aware of what's happening in the horn of africa recently. recent is probably a wrong word to describe it, starvation has been an ongoing story in that part of the world, it has only recently came to our attention due to the massive amount of people who are in danger of death by malnutrition - about 11 million- primarily from somalia, ethiopia and kenya. 11 million- if figures mean nothing to you, i'll paint the picture for you. that's about a half of the whole malaysian population (we're about 28million strong), it's as devastating as having about a 100 tsunamis/ earthquakes, and do you know how people die from malnutrition/ starvation? very slowly. here's a snippet from wikipedia:

"Early symptoms include impulsivity, irritability, hyperactivity and possibly submissiveness. Atrophy (wasting away) of the stomach weakens the perception of hunger, since the perception is controlled by the percentage of the stomach that is empty. Victims of starvation are often too weak to sense thirst, and therefore become dehydrated. All movements become painful due to muscle atrophy and dry, cracked skin that is caused by severe dehydration. With a weakened body, diseases are commonplace. Fungi, for example, often grow under the esophagus, making swallowing unbearably painful. The energy deficiency inherent in starvation causes fatigue and renders the victim more apathetic over time. As the starving person becomes too weak to move or even eat, their interaction with the surrounding world diminishes."

to put it simply, you know when it's nearly lunch time and your teacher went overboard with time, and your stomach is rumbling and you no longer pay attention to what he's saying (and possibly feel like strangling him)...imagine that feeling in 100fold, as it went over from lunch to dinner to next day's lunch and dinner and so on..

have i drawn your attention enough? good, dont just stop there. here's a link where you can help: http://www.msf.org.uk/somalia_appeal2.aspx?gclid=CPqs8L2FoKoCFcRO4QoddXyk5A it's my personal favourite because it tells me exactly what it's going to do with my money and how many people i'm helping with what amount im giving, but there are a few of good UN sites as well.

ever since i read a spread in national geography on africa, ive always been interested in doctors without borders and to work in places hit by a crisis. there's a lot of satisfaction in giving when it's needed most... yet i feel like africa does not need just aids, it needs building, a long term plan that creates a mean for its people to feed themselves. you know like the saying goes: give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. teach a man how to fish, and he'll eat...fish a lot. i'm sure there is a way somehow someday for us to help them build a home for themselves where they dont starve, the question is: how do you start building a country? for now, lets do what we can as much as we can.

sunset thoughts

2011-07-25T13:27:00.000-07:00

Who are we to be emotional?
Who are we to play with hearts and throw away it all?
Who are we to turn each other's heads?
Who are we to find ourselves in other people's beds?

she's a genius.

there's something about watching the sun painting all its beautiful colours across the sky as it sets while listening to your favourite song that makes you think... i'm tired of running and looking over my back and changing. im tired of second guessing my steps. ive done all the mistakes i need to, as she puts it, all i wanna do is sleep.

amelie went to london.

2011-07-25T12:39:00.000-07:00

i was torn about finding the right name for her. i was torn about the gender! grey with pink scarf, she's a confusing one. we won her at a funfair booth, she was handed over with cheers "we've a big winner here!" and i chose her because she looked sad. we had to bring her back to our hotel, via the Underground tubes. oh the amount of stares she got from the London business people hustling back home, it was hilarious. took pictures of her everywhere on the way back, someone pointed out she's like the gnome from Amelie Poulain. hmm amelie. it's a perfect name for her.

the spheres.

2011-07-09T07:17:00.000-07:00

hey.

when i was 9, i had a nightmare. it remains my worst nightmare since. ive probably written about this before but i'll do so again for you who dont know. it was an abstract dream. there was a room, and it was filled with white spheres. somehow i knew i was one myself, i was at the centre of the room. slowly one by one the spheres turned black, until the only one next to me was left. i remember the horrible pit in my stomach as it, too, turned black in the end. it was a mixture of loneliness and disbelief...and i woke up crying about the sphere that had betrayed me.

the difficult software that is me

2011-07-06T02:07:00.000-07:00

hello!
so as some of you might have known, my phone is a bit messed up now, so ive been forced to think about getting a new one. when it comes to gadgets, i'm rather simplistic. as long as a phone calls and texts, im good to go. as long as a laptop lets me do my assignments and gets me online, im happy. ive long abandoned the waves of smartphones and ipads, heck i dont even own an ipod. ive been fine with my 5 year old mp3 player, about the only gadget which has been loyal to me. so you get the general idea about what kind of a person i am.

lately for my phone replacement, ive been thinking about getting a ... "smarterphone" (i refuse to call my old phone stupid. he had served me well). i travel a lot, and at a handful of times alone, so ive started to see how a gps or internet could be handy. i also rather like to capture some moments/ beauty that i see, and i seldom have my camera with me, so that swayed me into getting one that has good camera function. nokia n8 is pretty high on my shortlist, also because nokia's been proven to be shakira-proof. but i havent made my mind up, of course.

misc

2011-07-02T15:21:00.000-07:00

this may not be authentic but i find this amusing.

____________________________________________________________________________

A young and pretty lady posted this on a popular forum:

Title: What should I do to marry a rich guy?

I'm going to be honest of what I'm going to say here. I'm 25 this year. I'm very pretty, have style and good taste. I wish to marry a guy with $500k annual salary or above.

You might say that I'm greedy, but an annual salary of $1M is considered only as middle class in New York.

My requirement is not high. Is there anyone in this forum who has an income of $500k annual salary? Are you all married?

I wanted to ask: what should I do to marry rich persons like you?

Among those I've dated, the richest is $250k annual income, and it seems that this is my upper limit.

If someone is going to move into high cost residential area on the west of New York City Garden(?), $250k annual income is not enough.

I'm here humbly to ask a few questions:

1) Where do most rich bachelors hang out? (Please list down the names and addresses of bars, restaurant, gym)

2) Which age group should I target?

3) Why most wives of the riches are only average-looking? I've met a few girls who don't have looks and are not interesting, but they are able to marry rich guys.

4) How do you decide who can be your wife, and who can only be your girlfriend? (my target now is to get married)

Ms. Pretty

A philosophical reply from CEO of J.P. Morgan:

Dear Ms. Pretty,

I have read your post with great interest. Guess there are lots of girls out there who have similar questions like yours. Please allow me to analyse your situation as a professional investor.

My annual income is more than $500k, which meets your requirement, so I hope

everyone believes that I'm not wasting time here.

From the standpoint of a business person, it is a bad decision to marry you. The answer is very simple, so let me explain.

Put the details aside, what you're trying to do is an exchange of "beauty" and "money" : Person A provides beauty, and Person B pays for it, fair and square.

However, there's a deadly problem here, your beauty will fade, but my money will not be gone without any good reason. The fact is, my income might increase from year to year, but you can't be prettier year after year.

Hence from the viewpoint of economics, I am an appreciation asset, and you are a depreciation asset. It's not just normal depreciation, but exponential depreciation. If that is your only asset, your value will be much worse 10 years later.

By the terms we use in Wall Street, every trading has a position, dating with you is also a "trading position".

If the trade value dropped we will sell it and it is not a good idea to keep it for long term - same goes with the marriage that you wanted. It might be cruel to say this, but in order to make a wiser decision any assets with great depreciation value will be sold or "leased".

Anyone with over $500k annual income is not a fool; we would only date you, but will not marry you. I would advice that you forget looking for any clues to marry a rich guy. And by the way, you could make yourself to become a rich person with $500k annual income.This has better chance than finding a rich fool.

Hope this reply helps. If you are interested in "leasing" services, do contact me.

signed,

J.P. Morgan CEO

things i'm hopeless at

2011-07-02T12:18:00.000-07:00

this is gonna be a girly post.

i dont know if it's just not my forte, or if it's because i have not done too much of, whatever it is, there are things that ive to make extra effort to do a good job at, or they just dont come naturally to me :C it's not like cooking or baking or picking out an attire or organising a party/ trip or coming up with a speech text... these are things that i'm hopeless at :(

1) doing my hair. okay so i know i wear hijab but sometimes, on girly nights, we'd play with our hairs. i'd like to be able to do something dramatic. okay maybe not be bald like Evey from V for vendetta, but just, you know different. im pretty clueless about the use of hairspray and mousse and all that jazz, and no matter how much i try to learn it off youtube, it just never really seem to work

2) gain weight. ok girls dont hate me. im one of those weird ones who dont watch what she eats but doesnt gain weight. now dont go telling me that i'm lucky. i know i am in a way that i have the option to forego discipline when it comes to eating, but truth is, there were times i wish that i put on weight more easily than i do now.

3) ironing clothes. ive to admit that im not brilliant at this. i think i need one of those steam ones where you just hang a shirt up then steam it.

4) techy stuffs. really, if you know me, i dont even have to begin to count the ways....

5) sticking to routines. i splurge and binge and race, until i cant stand the sight of something anymore. if my life's a track event, it's a 100m race. but sometimes, you gotta conserve and stop speeding to last you throughout the whole track...

6) do eye makeup. eyeshadows, put on lashes, all those things? yea i dont do well on that. i like how some girls are really artsy about it, make them all nice and doll-like...but it's one of those areas that i sort of struggle to achieve anything noticeable -.-"

so yes. i am far from perfect, and i guess ill just keep being that way. seriously though, if u wanna give me tips or teach me how to do hairs, go ahead :D

my plan for the next 1 year

2011-06-30T14:12:00.000-07:00

hello. you know how people always have new year plans? well i usually don't. it's safe to say that the 1st of january means nothing to me. it's the first date of a new year, yeah, but new episodes of my life never start on january 1st. i'm declaring that a new episode of my life is commencing soon and these are my projects for this year:

1) Get The Effin MBBCh! project
so this is my final year of medicine, and i'd say this is the longest project ive ever embarked on. i pretty much spent 17 years of my life, to sequentially lead to where i am now, so you can bet i damn well wanna finish this. this is my plan:
- get on the notes making - written and osce
- do some ward times
- find out how they do it
- have some snippets of anat and physio

2) The Body Project
little things i really wanna get the habits into, because lets face it, my lucky genes are not gonna last me forever
- fish once a week, fruits/smoothie/veg
- toning exercise once in 2 days or at least 1-2 times a week (i am really a fat person in a skinny body :( )

3) Adopt An Interest project
i need an interest. something that's recreational but useful: a new language, hobby, collection, whatever. just decide already, shakira.

4) Watch Where My Money Goes project
as it says. i need to keep better track of it since it wont be long till i need to think about serious stuffs. house, car, bills, travels.

5) Declutter My Room/ Wardrobe Project
i sometimes hang on to things for the silliest reasons. some little memories, some distant time when i loved the thing, the possibility that it might be useful someday. well i think i might have to be a lil bit more ruthless about things now.

will be updated

miss jones

2011-06-27T09:21:00.000-07:00

damned if i do, damned if i dont.
no wonder jane chose to disappear.

broody post #1

2011-06-22T06:14:00.000-07:00

so i was watching the shaytards today (of course) and some things remind me of the time when i was a kid. these are, a couple of things that i had had fun with in my childhood, and i shall make it a point to play with my kids someday.

- little water balloons. i remember filling up lil balloons of water and having teams and just throwing them at each other!
- playing postman, and sending letters to each other. we would have addresses like "behind the wardrobe" and mail letters to each other. we even made stamps out of old magazines
- the plastic kiddie pool. remember when we were young, we had these like plastic swimming pools which we fill up with water? i dunno if this thing still exists now but i remember having A LOT of fun with it. now i also had swimming lessons in real pools, but it's just the excitement of seeing it filling up in the backyard and setting it up together that makes it so much fun
- growing everything - green beans, kacang botol, any kind of fruits seed, you name it, id prolly tried growing them
- durian-picking: haha i guess this is malaysian kids' version of strawberries picking only perhaps less posh but wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy wilder. we would set off very early in the morning (because if you go late, the animals might get to it first) then hunting for the ripe durians on the ground. with our little helmets and pvc boots. it's like a lil treasure hunt, finding all those durians amidst the dry leaves
- fishing: yes i was pretty good at angling.may not be much fan on putting on the baits though (the worms are icky) but that's what brothers are for :D
-making clay things. we also burnt them (because we saw thats how its made on the tv) then painted on it with buncho colours. they were very pretty, but you certainly dont wanna be actually using the mugs we made, the clay and paint run off :(
- cooking things. we set out a lil bonfire, put on old kettles and pots and cooked random things. so much fun!
- ive never played this, but i wanna remember to play ladderball

point is, my kids someday can play with video games BUT he/she gotta have some of those real world fun too. i'll update this.

p.s. yes shaytards make me feel broody.

Osama: my post-humous response.

2011-05-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me direct your attention to this:

http://www.emel.com/article?id=85&a_id=2375

Just a quick thought on the recent news that shook the world. I will write a more thorough opinion regarding how i as a muslim view him and terrorism.

first of all, let me get it clear that i don't think any rational person could ever support what bin laden did, killing innocent people and besmirching the face of Islam. there is no justification for what he did, in any rational mind anyway.

i have mixed feelings about celebrating the death of someone who causes a lot of pain or celebrating just any death in general. however, i do understand the reason for the celebrations and i can relate to celebrating the feeling of justice being served. i would celebrate too, perhaps in my own way. but if people have their own way then so be it.

i think the point of this article is that as much as it is understandable for people to be happy he gets his justice, people also may need to understand why others may not be dancing in the street. perhaps the muslim world is under scrutiny regarding this, probably more so the arab world. it is not because they are in support of osama. it is just frankly, because, osama never mattered. did he change the poverty in afghanistan or pakistan? no. did he make the lives of muslims better? on the contrary.

he was long dead in the heart of many muslims, long before he was killed in pakistan. so are his fights for terrorism. people simply had a lot more struggles in their daily lives they've to care about and if a man didn't matter in his life, then why would he be in his death? the lack of public celebration could also be down to our islamic belief. we always KNEW he will pay for his sins. i can imagine people losing their family members and dearest ones in the 9/11 to feel like a single quick shot to the head doesn't quite match the traumatic death of someone having to jump from the burning WTC and the equally traumatic experience of those made to watch it. perhaps i am in no position to know how his justice will be served, for i feel like in many cases, no courts in this world can always correctly deliver the perfect justice. but as a muslim myself, i believe that's all in the hands of god. and i believe in justice not only to be served in this life. even if it had escaped this life, he will pay for his wrongs in the hereafter, in accordance to how much pain he had caused. wallahu'alam.

i guess all i'm saying is; and i feel like the author resonates too, it is understandable that reactions regarding his death are varied. and as long as he wasn't held as an idol or a figure to be respected and mirrored, then we have to keep in mind of other people's differences and understand that.

the fruits squash cynic

2011-04-28T05:11:00.000-07:00

random rant

i saw a label on a fruit squash bottle just now.
it looked very tempting, all ablaze with pictures tropical fruits plastered all over it and a proclaimation on it being the True Summer Fruits Squash!

i love how again, with the same exclaimation mark, in a red box as big as day, it says "now contains 20% fruits!". lol two things. one, 20% is hardly true. in fact, i'm pretty sure that's the definition of fake. and secondly, it obviously didn't work on me because it just made me wonder, what's the other 80% then?

probably preservatives, colourings, sweeteners and a cancer or two.

p.s. i dont even really like the first featured song on my blog. i just love the little prince, and if you hadnt read it, you should.

we are cinderellas of our time

2011-04-22T11:09:00.000-07:00

just a quick hi to say what's up, and hoping that you guys are well.
so as some of you might know, i'm having my final exams in about 3 weeks' time. everytime i say that, i get this big jolt in my stomach.

so basically my life's going pretty stressful, so many things to cover so little time and so on and so forth. sleep's becoming a luxury and eating becomes...perfunctory. anything that takes more than 15minutes to prepare? out of the window. but i know the feeling of having this done and over with, and i covet that. it's quite a love-hate thing i have going on with medicine. i love how at least once every year, medicine gives me a chance of being cinderella. firstly, a month of pure, unadulterated fugliness. me with my comfy clothes and my head buried in books, my sleep deprived eyes with bags, and on occasions, spectacles, watery from watching the slides and e-learning modules, no time for self-pampering, coffee practically on IV infusion...i always say that i should marry someone who'd seen me being fugly yet still loves me, because i'd let you know now....that? not a pretty sight.

and suddenly on the day we finish, it's like having a huge fog lifted, an oxygen mask on a hypoxic man, we transform from that fugliness, as cinderella had with the fairy's help. well maybe not as dramatic, just back into looking humane but it's actually quite a liberating feeling. positive thinking ftw.

anywayssssss, wish me luck and pray for me. i'll need all that i can get. much loves, have a nice day and life :)

shake me

2011-04-18T12:45:00.000-07:00

salam and hello!
i'm sorry i haven't been updating. real life takes hold with an iron grip. a lot is going on, a lot has happened, a lot will happen and go on, such is life as i'm sure everyone else is also experiencing. i am gonna try to put my feelings into words, but they are personal ones so mind you, this is much like me pulling out a memory into a pensieve (yes, harry potter reference) and looking at it from a bird's eye view. it may make sense to no one other than me so just stop reading if you haven't got time and desire to decipher me.

the past few weeks had my mind reeling with the question: "what do you want?", the question which you are allowed to call a nemesis of the indecisive me.i feel like every which way i take, there is something that doesn't quite sit as well as it could. it's like trying to print out something from the library here in rhyl. one computer has fast internet but no connection to the printer. the one that does print, probably takes 15minutes to load a page. you get the gist, something just doesnt seem quite right. and i am, about my life, as i was in the library, 'faffing about' (oooh. british dialect right there) feeling a lil bit helpless. in truth, i am helpless about this, and i am sort of floating, seeing where the waves wash me to. it hasn't concerned me yet but i know there will come a point when it should and it will, and life will then give me a good shaking and scream in my face with that age-old question again...

2011-04-17T01:55:00.000-07:00

this, can be heavenly:

the revolutionary Z

2011-03-30T19:12:00.000-07:00

i was at a huge convention where my lil bro was supposed to talk about DVT and C-diff. somehow, he was very young in that dream, so i braced myself for a pretty embarassing moment for him. but once he started talking, people started clapping so that was good. then i walked back home. no, danced back home, like literally. along this forest path which was beautiful, and on the way i passed by a certain FoD senior, who was wearing a white sleeveless shirt, and black pants, with suspenders. yes suspenders. he was going to hunt for wolves.

funny dream. i hadn't had a good sleep for a while, and if you hadn't noticed, my dream is awfully medically-related, if not medically accurate. i'm pretty infected by this plague called medicine. but that was a good sleep nonetheless. you know...a good sleep doesn't change the problems in this world, but it does change how you deal with them. the next time you have one, and you see me when i'm a doctor, maybe i'll prescribe exactly that. Sleep 5-8hr/ OD (+- Nap 0.5hr PRN). not because you should sleep off your problems, but because you're just in a better mind when you wake up.

sleep tight, sweet dreams :)

smart phones and wedding bells/ kompangs

2011-03-24T11:18:00.000-07:00

what do the nokia n8 and weddings have in common? important life decisions.

so i've recently been thinking about getting a smart phone. and ive been eyeing the nokia n8, because it sort of fits me. no fancy apps, does its job well, good camera/ video quality for those random moments in my life... but after negotiating with the sales person, it seemed like i cant bring it down, without being charged an extra £10 per month, plus the contract's for 2 years, and i dont know how long i'll be here...so it feels like a life decision.

and then i talked to my mom later in the day, told her that there was a talk on F1 job application in the UK. the first thing that came out of her mouth was "when are you gonna get married then?" lol, go figure the link. the conversation transforms into a hilarious semi-fight, of which i was reduced to answering "no comment" to her constant prodding on any suitors. when i finally answered "when it happens, it will be a surprise", she asked me why i was giving celebrity-like answers, of which i responded with "well... why are you being a reporter?"

hilarity aside though,i love my mom, and i know she loves me too and wants only the best for me, but i dont think my mom and me are the same sort of person regarding this. this is not a decision that i will make or a commitment that i will partake in simply because someone else is holding a stopwatch. it must be a commitment that i will be passionate about, and i will expect nothing less from him. i understand mom's concern when she asked me "what if all the good guys are tired of waiting?", but i hope she understands when i told her that if the guy doesn't think i'll be worth the wait, then he isn't for me at the first place. truth is, i may not know much about my future marriage/wedding, but when it happens, i know it'll be perfect. inshaAllah.

now anyone knows if doraemon exists and i can get into one of those time machine drawers?

p.s. does seeing that cartoon strip also make you feel the sweet sad feeling of missing the childhood times, when everything's simple and innocent?

the lady in green: a case of walking the talk?

2011-03-14T11:10:00.000-07:00

last friday, i was late for an afternoon class and had to rush off to the hospital. you have to know that the walk to the hospital from my house could easily take 40 minutes and halfway through, i realised that i only had 10 minutes left so yes, i was in a mad rush.

that was when i saw her. i'd noticed her from afar actually, it was a long straight road and she was heading towards me from the opposite direction. a little old lady wearing a green scarf and a sort of green attire which was a bit worn out. she was carrying a huge roll of carpet on her back, and another one rolled up in a plastic bag in her hand. her face was sort of stricken as you'd expect from that amount of physical exertion on a 70-yr-old-ish body. it was a long stretch bit of road, i had told you, and i had a little debate in my mind. i contemplated on helping her, she obviously needed it, but at the same time she was walking in the opposite direction to god knows where. and i was late. so in the split second that followed as i passed by her, i smiled (more guiltily than of a stranger's warmth) and nodded and continued walking.

the guilt was crushing after that. i felt pretty horrible, to give in to my selfish reasons. could me suffering the embarassment of walking in late to a tutorial possibly be worth someone's back? i couldn't get it out of my mind, i knew i won't and will think about the moment for some time. i felt like if i had the moment back, i would definitely do it differently.that's what i told myself. and i felt like i meant it, not just to easen my guilt. there was even a point when i thought... "wouldnt it be funny if the moment came back?"

and then there she was! at first i couldn't believe my eyes. she stood there with her two carpets by the roadside, a lady in a green scarf and green tatty clothes. at that time, i didn't put much thought into it and went up to her. she pointed to the plastic bag with carpet in it which was on the ground, asking for me to put it around her hand. she told me she was ok but i insisted on carrying it for her. i was not gonna let go of my second chance! this time, she walked in the same direction as me and we parted at a gate. she held my face in her hands and kissed my cheek and said thank you.

now i really have no explaination for this. this road i'm talking about where all of these happened, is a straight one. there's no sort of detour she could have taken to stand ahead of me without passing by me. my only viable explaination was that there are some sort of carpet carrying activities carried out by old ladies in green. yet there is something about her face which was memorable that i felt like, it couldn't be someone else... the other side of me wanted to believe that it is some sort of a second chance to test if i would have done what i said i would, or maybe god loved me enough not to let me spend the day feeling guilty.

perhaps it's a lesson i must learn and share with you guys that we should do the good thing that we intended to do at the first chance we could, for we don't always get that second chance...
funny day, hm.

bore da!

2011-03-09T07:28:00.000-08:00

so i met a patient today whom i wanted to take a history from, and she was engaged in a seriously welsh (i.e. welsh and non-else) conversation with the nurse so i waited by the bedside. when she was done, i greeted her with a "bore da" which is good morning in welsh. both the patient and the nurse were surprised, and i mustered the remnants of beginner welsh that i remember from 2 years back and said "dw i'n dod o yn Falaysia yn wreddiol" (i come from malaysia originally) i went on to say that i learned beginner welsh and can sort of tell random words and basic Welsh grammar. she went quiet for a while and said to me something in welsh... which the nurse translated as "you are beautiful". that made me smile and i replied with a "diolch". (quite thankfully, that was the extent of it. i was running out of conversational welsh)

i feel like knowing about someone's language and culture is the most flattering thing you can do for someone, and i've no doubt that i was beautiful to her because i care enough to learn about something that is dear to her. it made me want to learn languages, languages and lots of them :)

till next time, hwyl!

hey muslims, stop being depressing :)

2011-03-06T23:43:00.000-08:00

ok first of all, if anyone had just stumbled upon my blog for the first time, don't start getting all worked up before you finish reading, chill, i'm also a muslim.

i'm just drawing upon this experience of mine. i'm sure a lot of muslims, perhaps more so us muslim women, get asked about our practise in islam. i had, a couple of time. when i was in turkey, i was given the new york once-over by an american woman who asked me quite simply "what is that?" (referring to my hijab). now please note that i don't find this experience offensive nor do i bear any discord against americans, the limit of blogging makes it hard for me to demonstrate how funny the situation was, and her puzzled comical expression was endearing. i find it refreshing that they like to ask because a lot of people would bury their questions inside in fear of offending people, but really, not knowing just breeds fear, and fear leads to prejudice. so i really like her for asking. when i said that it's a hijab, she was really surprised, because her only idea of hijab is that it's black with eye goggles (?burqa?). we talked a little bit about how hard it is to separate islam and culture, for both non-muslims AND muslims, an issue which i very much am interested to know and discuss about but perhaps this comes at a later day.

so back to my point, we may have had experiences of being asked, "why wear the hijab? why not drink alcohol? why don't you eat pork, why halal meat?". now this is where muslims get a chance to choose whether to be depressing or not. i know sometimes, we get tired of explaining the rather complex belief that is islam, and we choose to simplify things by just answering "because it is haraam therefore sinful". now put yourself on the receiving end. if you are a non-muslim, wouldn't you be thinking "gosh how depressing.. everything is not allowed! that is sinful, this is sinful! poor woman must be so oppressed to think that everything is wrong" no wonder they think islam is a mindwashing form of oppression, because we make it appear that way! and the worst bit if you actually talk about hellfire. now if i'm a non-muslim, i'll definitely stay clear of anything that sounds so depressing. so really, invest a little bit of your time, not only in explaining the haraam bit (in fact, keep it to the end if you must), but rather explain why you believe in islam, and hence, is obeying islam.

to me personally, and i had talked about this before, i view my relationship with islam as it is with my parents when i was small. they make me eat green vegetables, do things i hate, and i'd protest sometimes, but really that's because i don't know better. i didnt know i need all those vitamins, i didnt know teeth cavities are not fun things to get. and who knows us better than the one who creates us? take alcohol for example, perhaps a 100 years back, we have no idea that it causes a lot of damages to the brain and liver among others, even in very small amount! and now with advancement in science, do we know that "oh maybe that's why islam prohibits it". and that's just the medical aspect of it. lets not even go to the social aspect of it, the crime rates, domestic violences, family breakdowns.. do i need to say more? and perhaps you would ask, that's alcohol, but what about hijab? what purpose do covering up has on you? truth be told, i perhaps, again as i reiterate, do not know in all totality the exact reason behind it, because some effects are more subtle than others. things like social reasons may take time to manifest and may not be as readily measureable quantitatively as...say health reasons. but people might have thought that about alcohol in the past, and aren't we lucky that we don't need a liver cirrhosis and wernicke's encephalopathy to see that god is right actually...? :) one thing i do know for sure and will bet my life on is that it's all for my own good in the end, after all, you know the word sin? it comes from the word "zulm". as was beautifully described by dr lang, rather than really something that is like a score, it comes from the verb "zalama" which means to do injustice/ deprive one of what is rightfully his. so really, no one is at loss but him/herself...not god. and the principal beneficiary or casualty of following/ disobeying his guidance is truly ourselves.

"We have revealed to you the Book for mankind with the truth, then the one who is guided, it is for his own soul, and the one who strays, his straying is only upon himself. 39:41"

"And the one who strives, he strives only for himself. Surely God is independant of all his creation 29:6"

so hey, stop being depressing. be happy that we're lucky enough to know better. and as it is with any knowledge, perhaps we could share this with those who seek to be in the know. and while we're at it, perhaps we could do so with a smile, it makes everything so much better :)

learn.

2011-03-06T11:35:00.000-08:00

hey everyone, it's been a while since i wrote. i've been busy, i'm doing obs and gynae now which means a lot of babies and um, women stuffs. it's pretty eye opening to me, gosh babies dont come out elegantly do they? remember this guys, at childbirth, a baby which is roughly the size of a fat chicken/ cat is pushed out in between the hip bones and a small orifice, most often tearing up one of the most sensitive parts of a woman's body...so tell your mom that you love her today, ok?

last week was also islamic awareness week, and the talks had been really inspirational. one of the talks was about how do we know that there is god? surprisingly for me, in order to talk about the existence of god, the speaker went into a lengthy discussion on science, the big bang theory, quantum physics, evolution et cetera. it really strikes me how much science/ knowledge, is not at all at odds with islam, rather than that, each has a vital, necessary role in support of each other. i've never seen or appreciate how much in learning about science, you learn so much about islam too. i never appreciate the unique bond islam has in nurturing the inquisitive mind.

“Have you (people) given thought: if this (Quran) be truly [a revelation] from God, while you deny its truth? Who could be more astray than one who places himself [so] deeply in the wrong? Soon will We show them Our Signs on the horizons (of nature), and in their own (creation), until it becomes manifest to them that it (Quran) is the Truth. Is it not enough that your Lord is witnessed (via His signs) on all things? [41:52-3]

i've never been so much of a 'romantic' in my approach of religion. i know some people see beautiful sunsets and flowers and they think of god. my objectivity makes me seek evidences rather than purely just going by feelings because i feel like feelings can be biased by how i was brought up and the culture that i am in. the speaker invited us to do exactly that, be on a quest of finding out about how we are made, where we come from, where the stars and universe come from and be amazed at the brilliance of it all. this is of course, a quest for knowledge, something that you do for life. as we delve deeper into it, we can compare what we know to what the quran had said for surely, if the quran is the word of god, we can expect it to be not against the findings in science. isn't it amazing that to know about god, we need to know about ourselves?

one thing that really touched me is something that the speaker said. all muslims know that we are created to worship god. but worship is a rough english translation of the arabic word 'abada. and the thing that comes to your mind is the act of worships, of performing the prayers or hajj. 'abada could perhaps be more rightfully translated as obey, and obedience starts with, surprisingly, to question: why should i worship this Allah? who is he? islam does not dumb you down to obey something you dont know and it appreciates that with knowledge, comes love. and with love, comes obedience. we all know that learning is a form of ibadah, and it strikes me that wow, of course it is. it makes sense! because as we learn, we get closer to knowing about Him, we get closer to loving him... however objective our approach is when we start out learning...no wonder the first ayah sent down was iqra'. read. learn.

i know my blog posts recently had been rather preaching in nature, honestly, that is not my intention. i see my blog as an outlet for my emotions rather than a medium to spread out anything. and i've been truly inspired by what i'm learning about my religion that on some days, i feel like i need to share this joy with someone else. i know every person's religious journey is personalised, and i sincerely hope you find what will make you feel the way i feel.

kira kira hizashi wo abite

2011-02-25T12:52:00.000-08:00

so i met a couple of japanese exchange students today and they were lovely. you know me, i'm always very excited about meeting people of different nationality/ race/ make, i love getting any opportunity to sit down and just chat. knowing me too, you might also know that i *might* have broken into one of the random japanese songs that i know, which in this case was a verse: "kira kira hizashi wo abite" to their amusement :D they told me about their medical school, and we exchanged contacts, needless to say, it makes me so excited to go to japan someday. what i realised from our conversation, and this may be a generalisation (but a fair one), is that asian people just speak softer. it feels almost like a relief to be able to talk the way i do without being thought of as shy or meek. which i am not (unless i find you cute ;) ). now i dont think a lot of people realise that loudness doesn't always equal to confidence. i think people don't realise that there is such thing as soft confidence, i'd met a lot of people in my lifetime who are soft on the outside but have firm integrity, be it in terms of their personality, confidence and knowledge. you'll be very surprised how the quiet one in the room might know a lot more than you think, might just prefer to observe first, or choose his/her words better.

a couple of days ago, i met my tutor who told me about the job market and how to prepare myself for interviews, CVs and all that jazz. he also said that, although he doesn't agree to it, that we have became rather americanised in our ways, and that in the more western setting, getting your point across can be a competition of who speaks the loudest in the most convincing way, even if your point doesn't have a substance to it. i know about that, i've rather adopted those survival techniques myself, after a few years of keen observation of the med school (and some odd episodes of ANTM). there is nothing wrong with that at all. but what is wrong is projecting the western ideal/ norm to everyone across different cultures and stereotyping that all soft-spoken people lack confidence, which i think is not true. indeed, we have much to learn from each other, and if we do so without having a set mould of what is good and what is bad, we may see how beautifully different we all are.

This looks like my kimono :)

mind gym.

2011-02-18T12:25:00.000-08:00

i've recently been reading a book that had touched me very deeply, and i will give a synopsis/review of it once i finish it. i wanna share something about me with you guys. sometimes, on some days, i have this...yearning to know. it's almost like a greed or hunger, and what's weird about it is that, if you ask me what i want to know, i can't really pinpoint it. it's kind of like a starving person who just wants food...perhaps he has a "things i wanna eat" list, but in all reality he just wants food.

things that are of interest to me now

1) the Quran. i wanna learn it, appreciate its beauty and mystery and truth. (this is inspired by the book i'm reading)
2) the recent political changes in the arab world
3) the palestine-israel history
4) the theory of time and space and our place in it
5) another language: mandarin, arabic, french and japanese.

so many things to know, so many things to learn, so limited time and energy, but i am determined to do this.

so tell me about your visit to the mind gym today :)

red

2011-02-12T08:24:00.000-08:00

i'm on my baking mood, i really wanna make these litte cuties:

http://allrecipes.com//Recipe/red-velvet-cupcakes/Detail.aspx

cute kan?

ideas are bulletproof.

2011-02-12T05:50:00.000-08:00

so yesterday, egypt got back its voice.
i know a lot of my friends, mostly my british and american friends are rather reserved about it being good news...as demonstrated by the lack of comments about the issue which is hitting the world..but no matter how we try to avoid the truth, it is there, glaring at us, amplified by the resounding voices of the egyptian people: hosni mubarak was a dictator. perhaps he wasnt the classical hitler-type, the over controlling blatantly evil type who commited massacres, but his evil was hidden, in that he manipulated the wealth of the egyptians to be his own, obviously doing a poor job at leading yet stubbornly refusing to let go of his position.

i understand very well about my friends' concerns, could this be another repetition of afghanistan and taliban...? but do we agree with the continuous oppression of these people, just because we fear that there will be a rise in terrorism? that would be unfair, if not selfish of us wouldn't it? now i dont have enough knowledge to comment thoroughly about this issue but i cant help feeling hopeful for this situation, for the egyptians have figured out that they have a voice against oppression, and i believe that this voice will be just as strong should another taliban emerges to take siege of the now free nation.

all we could do now is watch and learn... 1) cronism and corruption eats up a nation from inside, like a cancer and 2) truth will prevail, you cant keep on insulting people's intelligence by expecting them to be silent. as was nicely put by V in V for Vendetta... "people should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people"

hosni mubarak even looks a bit like the chancellor. just a bt fatter. and without an awesome dictator 'stache. a lil bit? maybe?

how to love everyone :)

2011-02-07T01:21:00.000-08:00

so last saturday night, i hung out with my girlfriends at a coffee house. we agreed for it to be an us time since it's been a while since we really spend time together, order a mug of coffee/ smoothie, chill out, talk about life. we then got to playing the "i've never" game (or "never have i ever" game, according to some ;) ).to those not familiar, it's a game where you take turns saying something you've never done, and those who have had to drink. it obviously was a drinking game, but who says you cant have as much fun, if not more without alcohol ;) so i started on this question: never have i been jealous of anyone or everyone in this room. i obviously drank to that, and to my surprise, everyone else also did. which basically means, at some point or another, we have been envious about each other. let me firstly clarify how loose a term of jealousy i'm using here. it's not so much of an i-hate-her-i-hope-her-life-will-suck kinda envy but more of aww i wish i can be like her in that sense. you know that feeling? that conflict between jealousy and admiration?

so we got talking about each other, and it is pretty amazing how people see nice things about us that even we ourselves have never guessed could be something people wish they are more of. i realised two things. 1) we all are blessed with something that is our own 2) and sometimes, these strengths are mutually exclusive. in that, you cant be everyone! let me demonstrate the second point. if you are a person who is peaceable and would give up her own opinion to maintain peace within a group, you will not be remembered for being a strongly opinionated person who is not afraid to stand her ground and speak her mind. yet everyone will remember you as that person who holds the group together and never are at odds with other people. both of these two personalities i mentioned above are the opposite of each other, but equally likeable. admirable. and it goes for a lot of other instances, be it something as shallow as our physique: petite and delicate VS voluptous and sexy VS tall and model-like. to our personalities as i had spoken about. basically, we cant be everything, but we should know that the things that we have, that we are, it might just be something that someone else wishes to be...just as we sometimes wish we are more of another person.

realising that makes me appreciate how we are all different in our own ways and just how wonderful it is that we are. to accept that we are one of those subjects that make the world interesting is the challenge and perhaps we should sometimes turn our admiring lenses to ourselves. not in a vain kinda way, more of a "i wish i was her..hmmm but actually, being me is not bad too" :) i know this is cliched, but loving everyone really starts with loving ourselves.

yerp.

represent.

2011-02-06T14:43:00.000-08:00

this is mostly for my muslim friends out there. a reader and a dear friend responded to my post, and i think i should share it here, for it is very true and perceptive, and something i had long felt. buck up, muslims. it's time to show what we're made of, not that crazya$$ bomb-wielding terrorists that people think we are. respect is not something you can force upon someone, it is something that is won. and how do you win if you have been losers, or worse, not even interested in competing? islam is not a religion which separates between worldly success and afterlife pursuits, for they are greatly connected to each other. it balances you out, moulds your success for it not to be empty and cold and purely materialistic, it enhances it so it has some good values attached to it. but at the first place, you need to strive to be successful. have that option, it's just easier to be nice and do great and good things when you have the option to. here's my friend's post:

___________________________________________________________________

I read your recents posts, about misconceptions of Islam. I don't know about the situation in the west, but here in Malaysia, I observe that we're not being too silent, but we are making noise just among ourselves. The Muslims students here resist joining courses and events that enable them us to mix around with non-Muslims (giving the opportunity to show them by example the true meaning of Islam) but instead opt to stay in their comfort zone attending courses on 'cara-cara bercinta menurut Islam' and 'mendirikan mahligai rumah tangga' (This is actually happening in my University).

While I have nothing against these courses, as students, I believe these are not the pressing issues. While they benefit from knowing how not to be nervous when akad-nikah commences, the non-Muslim are slowly advancing in politic, economic and social fields by joining International events overseas.

I probably told you this, but I was infuriated when my friend went for a student exchange in the Philippines, and most of the people there don’t even know the official religion of Malaysia is Islam. how would they realize that everything they know about Islam is false? Should we blame them for being ignorant, or should we blame ourselves for totally ignoring the world outside believing the afterlife is the only worthy pursuit? If Islam teaches us to completely focus on the afterlife and ignore worldly matters, Salahudin Al Ayubi wouldn’t conquer Jerusalem, Sultan Ahmad Al-Fatih wouldn’t conquer Constantinople, Taariq bin Ziyad wouldn’t conquer Andalusia. They would stay in the comfort of their home, and spend their time just doing usrahs solely, waiting for people to join in instead of them going out into the world inspiring people to embrace Islam.

Every Muslim knows that Allah promised there will be an era where Islam will rise again, but from what I see, what they picture in their minds as the rise of Islam is us winning wars with swords, shields and courage of steel. I beg to differ. I believe the rise of Islam in the future is where we conquer the world politics and economics instead of military might. We have to face it that we live in an era where the Muslims are weak. We are weak politically, economically and socially. The weak always seek protection, and to whom do we seek? To those in power, which in this era, belongs to the West. Many Muslim leaders in Arab countries are put into power by the West, and for this, they owe the West something. The voice of their people against the monopoly of the west had to be suppressed. It took 30 years for the voice of Egyptians against their pro-western leader to be heard.

Hence, we are weak politically. Economically, we can’t even stand on our own. None of the Muslim country is classified as a developed nation. Not even UAE with all its architectural splendour and Turkey with its proud secularism. We have to depend on the west for economic stability. When economy falters, so does social stability. Many people believe that money corrupts, but I believe poverty corrupts society just as well. When people talk about the glory of Islam in the past, many dismiss the fact that wealthiness plays a big part in that glory. During the Khulafa Al-Rashidin era the economy is so stable that there is not a single person bound in poverty that they have no idea where to give bantuan zakat to, and yet today we resist the pursuit of financial wealth, believing that wealthiness corrupts moral and distracts us from religion. Humans have the gift to choose. With or without money, if a person chooses to corrupt himself, become corrupt he will. I truly hope that the uprising and change of governments in the Arab countries will bring more job and wealth opportunity for its people. I believe that the rise of the middle-class people brings the end of extremism.

from a muslim's heart

2011-02-05T02:36:00.000-08:00

i think i have been internalising a lot of what has been happening, all these issues regarding terrorism and islam. can i be honest with you, everytime i read a racist comment about muslims on the internet, be it on youtube, or the little comments segment, it always upsets me so much. yet i still read through them, always feeling surprised (god-knows-why) of the amount of people who just hate us so much. ive became pretty well versed on the kinds of things they would write, muzzies, sand niggers, 72 virgins, most upsetting of all, undulated comments on Quran, my beloved prophet and Allah. what further made me sad is the retaliation of some muslims who spews violent threats, obviously more so feeling upset at all the unkind words to their beliefs rather than really agreeing to the act of terrorism. this of course, makes others scared and it turns, conforms to their suspicion on islam, and it all becomes one vicious cycle of racism. it has upset me a great deal, and i know some had asked me to just leave it all be, because that's how things are.

but i feel like, that is the problem. where is that strong unified voice that says "NO. eff off with this whole terrorism business! this is not islam! they're as much as my enemies as they are to you"? we're too silent about it. we shy away from the things that embarass us, makes us feel scared, even hurt us. if i dont say anything, and if all of us dont say anything, then how will it appear to the non-muslims. isn't silence a sign of agreement to many people?

someone told me that he felt that while not all muslims are terrorists, islam is a dangerous twistable religion that can be used for violence. and while i understand where he's coming from, it made me think. what CAN'T be twisted for violence? say if a man says that he had killed someone because of me, would you have persecuted me, say that i'm a dangerous twistable thing that could be used to justify murder? and say, say if i could be involved with it, i could be guilty as charged and spurring his actions, but could i also have been innocent? could it be that it is all his fault, that it is all in his mind? do we condemn the German society as a dangerous one because of what Hitler did? do we brand that there is something wrong in the way the Irish people are brought up, for the acts of the IRA? since when does violence ever need a reason? all it used were excuses. something pure can still be twisted to justify violence. hasn't love always been the number one cause for murders, everyday? something as pure as love, do we then stop believing in it?

i wish someday, people will realise before making judgements that they research about it. research, not nitpick their way through what they think is islam... and perhaps, they will find like love, how pure it is.

engage

2011-02-02T13:05:00.001-08:00

i wish to save this discussion i had with a dear friend who is an apartheist on the existence of god... perhaps for others to lend their opinions on, or just to whizz by and think.

for simplicity, i am 'Shax' and the said individual is 'S'. it all started with this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_BXnSANTn4&feature=fvw

____________________________________________________________

S: I watched the video and it did, to some, presented valid points. I have heard the belief that life is far too complicated to be created by chance, the eye, or the sense of hearing for example. The leading scientific community will argue however that complex beings such as humans, apes, or other mammals or reptiles, in fact all life, was not created as it is today. It evolved from incredibly simple one celled organisms with no such sense. Over billions and billions of years, these one celled organisms, through countless genetic mutations, evolved into the life we see today. In is in fact insulting to evolution, and me, that "...monkeys decided to evolve better." Not only did we not evolve from monkeys, we evolved from apes, but there is/was, no choice in evolution. This is also a gross simplification on a theory (like gravity) that is believes, with countless evidence, by scientists. For example, millions and millions of years ago, a proto-giraffe creature was born. As these proto creatures were born, some of them had a particular genetic mutation that may have given them slightly longer necks, again these were thousands and thousands of proto-giraffes born over millions of years. With this genetic mutation (the longer neck) the proto giraffe was able to obtain food esaier than other creatures and thus, flourished. This creature with the "long-ish" neck trait was able to reproduce quickly and pass down the trait and eventually into the giraffe we see today, a creature perfectly adapted for obtaining food from hard to reach places.

The argument that the eye is too complex to be made by chance and that humans cannot reproduce the eye is one that I do not subscribe to. They eye is but another organ that came about through billions of years of genetic mutation just like our hands, feet and hair. One of the persons interviewed said that humans cannot replicate the eye. This is true, we cannot replicate the human eye....yet. Scientists have created a robotic seeing aid, though not equatable to the human eye, offers sight to the blind. Robotic technicians have also created robots that can produce, though not at human level, sight through a computer and a robotic ocular system. Some see the eye and say that this is way too complicated to be created by chance and way to complicated to be created by man. Think of this though, if you brought a plasma screen TV to the medieval ages and demonstrated its capabilities, people would think that such a thing was created with sorcery and could not have been created by man, and must have been created by some sort of magic, due to its comparative complication. Think about how far we have come in 100 years, from traveling by horse to literally golfing on the moon. That was actually just 60 or so years we did that. There is no doubt in my mind that within 100 years, we will be able to replicate sight, if not improve on it. It is like explaining the internal combustion engine to a child, it is easier to say "it just works". Astrophysicist and museum curator Neil DeGrass Tyson explains this "human complexity"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oEl9kVl6KPc&feature=related

The video also cited philosopher Emanuel Kant, who also said "...we do not have the slightest ground to assume in an absolute manner...the object of this idea" I would cite Kant's contemporary, Voltaire who shares my belief that organized religion does not go hand in hand with a belief in god. He was a deist, but stress his disdain for organized religion going so far as calling Christianity "absurd" and "...the most bloody religion that has ever infected the world." I admire Voltaire for his belief that a religion or holy book is not needed to understand and learn from the universe as well as admire its beauty, for I share this belief.

I have also hear the Boeing 747 and tornado statement and how it is so improbable that a tornado could create an airplane by running through it. Keep in the materials for creating life, proteins ect., were mixed together countless times over every millisecond, over billions of years, though as astronomical the odds are, this was a process repeated and repeated over billions of years, as I have stress. The origin of life on earth, from a scientific standpoint is also still in debate among scientists. Some scientists believe that the ingredients for life were in fact, brought from another place in the universe via an asteroid. The video also stated that Evolution has failed in its attempts to explain the origin of man, something I find insulting and preposterous. The "confession" of the geologists is also preposterous. I do not believe one can throw away a widely credited theory with one statement by one geologist. Carl Sagan explains the speaks about the Big Bang theory http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34-1W_9BhoU&feature=related
this is the extended piece http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4E-_DdX8Ke0&feature=related

Richard Dawkins elaborates on what a "theory" means http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mLeztJkhi4U&feature=related Astro Physicist, Stephan Hawking also elaborates on pretty much every scientific theory, but he can be found all over YouTube. Also think about this quote, forgive the cut and paste. "I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours"' You do not believe in Thor, Odin, Inana, Gilgamesh, Marduk, Zeus or Hercules, so, perhaps, you know why some do not believe in the Abrahamic god.

This a lot of stuff and I hope you take the time to read it and watch all the videos especially Carl Sagan and Neil Degrass Tyson, as they are some of my two favorite scientists. I also would like to tell you that I am not a Evolutionary Biologist and may have a hard time elaborating on Evolution, not because it is unbelievable, but because it is a scientific concept and I am not a scientists. I try to put in in layman's terms because I am a layman. There are countless recourses on Evolution and the creation of the universe out there and I urge you to explore them, just as I am exploring the theist's point of view on the matter.

Shax: i am not opposed to the advances of science, if anything, i am serving in one branch of science which has a lot of importance in life, so i very much welcome it. i have seen and learned about the frustration and achievement in the medical world, we have times and again done exactly that, creating substitutes, something to replace the original or make it better. like substitute heart valves, there is always that limitation, always that complication in the new ones that i cant help but wonder about the geniousness of our own creation. i want you to know that my standpoint in this matter is not against progress in science. if human beings can recreate the eye, i say go for it. for all i know, it'll help a lot of blind people out there and i very much would like that. but going back to your analogy of finding a tv in the desert 500 years ago, or even now, in themiddle of a room, would you think something as complicated could be assembled by chance. could the tv had made itself, by chance? surely, you would think about who creates this magnificient thing? even if it's sorcery, who is the one holding the wand? make me understand how you can watch the perfect order and complication of our creation and not wonder about the possible creator of it all..? the creator or creators. i dont deny that we are progressing very well, we are creators ourselves, as i find is beautifully mentioned in the Quran http://www.quran-miracle.info/best-of-creators.htm:

Muminun/14 (Shakir)
Then We made the seed a clot, then We made the clot a lump of flesh, then We made (in) the lump of flesh bones, then We clothed the bones with flesh, then We caused it to grow into another creation, so blessed be Allah, the best of the creators.

i love that verse for its exact description of the embryonic stages of human beings in the womb despite being thousands of years ahead of its time, and secondly for acknowledging that we are creators ourselves with creativity, imagination and intelligence that should be nurtured.

forgive me if i offended you about the concept of evolution. i must say with or without religion, i am not much of a believer in it and we may clash opinion on it. i sure hope you dont take it personally, because that's what science is isn't it? to be questioned. have we not questioned science, we would still be stuck into thinking that the world is flat. and surely, that's how the science vs religion bloodbath happened back then, isn't it...by not being open to challenges and questions.

i also came across this verse in the link i gave you

Bakara/30 (Shakir)
And when your Lord said to the angels, I am going to place in the earth a khalif, they said: What! wilt Thou place in it such as shall make mischief in it and shed blood, and we celebrate Thy praise and extol Thy holiness? He said: Surely I know what you do not know.

it is our belief that when god creates human beings, he had created the angels (not like the angels that is popularly publicised, but for easy explaination, i'd stick to angels) before. and a trait of the angels is that they never question. they always follow what is aked for them, hence the angels finding it absurd that god would put human beings on earth, one that will decide for himself what he wants to do and believe in, why do that? why not settle for a creation like the angels, who will never deviate or question at the first place? but perhaps that's what differentiates us from others and makes us worthy to be the caliph of this earth, that we are able to think and analyse.

and god knows best, wallahualam.

S: Finally, some time to organize my thoughts. Thank you for sharing the verses with me, though this may be lop-sided as you believe the koran to be the divine word of god, and i believe the koran, as with all books of its kind, to be entirely the word of man. This scripture mentioned creation, so does god have a creator, or was he always there? Perhaps Evolution is the answer to the "how" question rather than the "why" question. Evolution can be the method in which life came into its present form, not as the purpose of why we are on this earth. Also the note about whether god wished to create herds of followers. It seems to to me that people think of themselves as herds, in fact, at least in the bible, people are refereed to as the "flock." In books such as the bible and the koran, god asks much of humanity and that they worship him singularly and without question, lest they suffer his "divine wrath." This is the conundrum, why would a god endow us with free will, only to punish us for not worshiping him? In some cases, to punish other people whom do not worship him ourselves. We are not god's equals that is obvious, but why the worship? Surely god is god and above purely human emotions for he is not human. so why would a "being" such as a god, need this worship, he knows he is the creator, why need the recognition?

Science should be questioned, but not dismissed without being researched and considered. Is it not fair to also question religion? A global phenomenal that roots itself in the belief of one or more gods, a fact that there is no tangible evidence for. I also find it odd that, in the case of a natural disaster, a person would praise god for saving them, when swaths of destruction were made by his hand. I would like again, to stress my dismissal of religious texts as a manual of how to live your life or that they were dictated by a god. I do believe however, that bits and pieces of these texts have life lessons and metaphors for someone to live a better life.

Shax: first of all, punishing people who do not believe? that is not my religion. the cliche of muslims wanting to kill all 'infidels' is a sadly misconstrued one and i expect you to be wise enough to know that.

second of all, do not think that i dismissed it without learning or researching about it. now THAT is an insult. believe me, i had been grilled about it in for years since high school, up to college and university years. it is, to put it simply, a concept that doesn't take to me. there's too little evidence, too many assumptions, too many theories and no hard proof, too many loopholes and inconsistencies for me to consider it as a plausible explaination of how i am a human being. what you mentioned about giraffe prototypes, that's natural selection, something that is pretty different from evolution. it explains the varieties within a species, such as why killer whales in certain parts of the world knows how to hunt for creatures from shallow waters, and perhaps why some people in different parts of the world have darker skin and curly hair. it does not, however, explains a jump from being one species to another, from a killer whale to a human being. evolution...well it takes an extreme twist, much as you hate being an extremist yourself. why do we then, stop evolving? why do some apes stop evolving? if we are to take a superior form, what makes you even think we are the easiest most adaptable form to walk this earth? on the contrary, we are very demanding creatures in terms of requiring resources to function. we could very well have stayed unicellular,or a virus even, very little energy demand, very adaptable, makes own food, etc etc. and why are there no mid-prototypes now? do we just evolve extremely from one species to another....much like a pokemon? these are just few of many things that makes it a concept that i dont agree with.

thirdly, i very much would have liked to discuss, or as you put it, argue/question why god makes us, and why god needs anything to worship him (which he doesnt)...but i don't think it is something that is right, not for the time. especially since at the first place, in your point of view, even the existence of god is questionable... so why even ask what he is doing if he, at the first place, is non-existant to you.

fourthly, i appreciate your honesty in telling me that you think the quran is the word of a man. i dont ask for you to take on my belief that it is the word of god, but i do hope the fact that you dont, do not obscure and cloud your judgement. i can but return your advice "it should be questioned, but not dismissed without being researched and considered".

shoutout.

2011-01-27T02:15:00.000-08:00

hey guys,
i havent been updating recently.
ive got a lot of things going through my mind, so many things i wish i get to capture and talk about, but i havent got time to sit down and listen to my thoughts let alone write about it.

i wish some day, we can have like a mind log. where we get to take snapshots of our mind at the moment we're thinking about it, because words, spoken or written can be limiting in expressing ourselves, well myself at least as i do have pretty vivid imagination (ridiculous at times, depends on how much you like me ;)

i changed the blog layout, becauseeeee...just because. i got an important clinical exam coming up in 6 days time so if you're a good friend of mine, you can imagine how i am right now. yerp. crazy ;) anyways, pray for me, much love.

p.s. oh can i just say one thing? one sure way that i know someone can connect with me is if they like the shaytards as much as i do :) and i'd be darned sure that if he's a guy, then he'll prolly be a fantastic husband or father. i mean, just think about it girls, someone who can watch something without guns and barely-dressed women, just pure and cute fun family vids and enjoys it? priceless! so my advice is,next time you think someone's the one, just go ask him "do you watch the shaytards? gasp you dont?? rejeeecct" hehehehhe.

let these speak

2011-01-20T13:02:00.000-08:00

In another life I was the beautiful sky
and my world a perfect circle of sun, sand and water
And I was happy there tranquillity was in the air
until the sand began to drift and it started to rain
What an unthinkable sin i let him in i let him in
and in another life he was a hurricane
He tried to swallow me into his raging angry sea
but little did he know the power of the infinite me
And hes not there any more

as was rightly put, you've already been here before you already where it goes...

"you know what you're in for, shakira. so stop complaining."

phelpi

2011-01-10T01:32:00.000-08:00

i accidentally stumbled upon this photo of Phelpi. remember the one i had to take care of because his mom died? i had to clock my sleeping time around his because he fed 6 times daily. i was called mommycat by my family the whole time. i really did think he was going to starve to death because he wasnt taking the milk i gave him despite seeming to be positively famished. so at my wit's end, i just opened a can of soft cat food and luckily i found out that he was sniffing around it, so i mixed it up with some milk. he had a weird way of feeding, he sucked on the cat food. yes sucked on it, like a baby cat would on its mother, with his paws pushing into the food. it was a nightmare cleaning his face and paws off after every feed. it was around olympics time, and he will always, always wake up when i was just about to watch michael phelps swims his six olympic golds. i know! so annoying. but he did a lot of cute things too, like he'll run to you with his fat belly dragging around if you call his name. he didnt know a lot of cat moves, so he sometimes watched other cats from afar and started jumping around by himself as if he's got an imaginary friend, eager to join but also scared of rejection?

because he wasnt exposed to many cat's way of sleeping, here he is sleeping like a human being. he always sleeps like that. pshtt silly cat.

atas sejadah pulak tu. ingat comel ke? RIP phelpi <3 'mommy' miss you.

coffee songs

2011-01-09T16:31:00.000-08:00

happy moments come in a lot of forms.
it may be found in being in a happening party with your favourite people.
it may be found in a girly talk about the boy you like while your friend braids your hair.
it may be found in trying out new zumba moves or trying to do a ballerina stand with your friends and laughing at yourselves silly.
it may be found in a private conversation about beaches and french fries with someone you love.

i also find that finding happiness while being with yourself is often underrated. my friend gave me this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7X7sZzSXYs which i find artsy and beautiful. being in company of people, especially ones you love has its perks, but often we forget how to enjoy the company of our ownselves. i think i am a person with a spectrum of interest in socialising. i love having people over, i love my hu-ha fun but i also have no problem being somewhere on my own, letting my thoughts run.

ok tell me if you do this too. you're sitting somewhere, when a song comes up. and you know you like it, or would like to capture that moment in some sort of a song diary, so you try to catch its lyrics and jot it down so you can google it afterwards. well i did that yesterday, and i found jose gonzalez, whose songs i will call, the coffee songs.

his songs take me back to a night in 2005 i think. just me, my brother, my sister and my mom. we went to the rainforest music festival, it was like a big campfire. a bunch of off-mainstream bands from all over the world just doing their thing in the middle of a rainforest in borneo, and people humming along to songs they dont know and dont even understand, amir ever-loving the african ones and me just loving everything.

we look so young

amir loves this sort of things...

cannibals

2011-01-06T12:54:00.000-08:00

1 thing i realise today is that, people love to hate.
i am not the most talkative of people, some of you might know.
and i am also not the most angellic of a person.
but sometimes, it blows my mind how people seem to bond up over despising people or just picking on something about someone to 'talk' about.

when do we start training our eyes to pick on people's flaws/differences? then feast on it like some kind of a cannibal? why all this hatred, especially when we dont even know that person that well? are we so shallow so as to base our judgements on what we see? it seems like we're becoming a generation of people with sharp eyes but blind hearts. patutlah mengumpat tu dosa besar dalam islam kan. think good of people, and maybe people will think good of us.

i feel like in this untrustworthy world that we live in, it matters for me to say that whoever you are out there, so long as you don't hurt me/my family/my loved ones, you're safe to be yourself around me because honestly...? my annoyance/despise/hatred/judgements..? they are unnecessary.

now can i get more people to pledge to this?

sheesh.
btw cute kitty pics ftw. rarr nomnomnom:

so what's up doc?

2011-01-06T08:05:00.000-08:00

did i tell you that my relationship with medicine, is like a marriage. not that i've been married, just out of observation on how people described marriages. sweet and sour, at some points you wanna just leave but you know you'd spent a long time in it, so you persevere. and at some points, you forget why you do it, yet every day, you see someone who reminds you why you do it. these are a couple of informal things i'd learned from med school:

1) how to fall asleep standing
2) how to appear awake when i'm sleeping
3) how to use google map
4) how unreliable google map is
5) how to write fast and come up with own shorthands (w/o, est., DD, Hx, HPc, exp.)
6) how to try to understand what i'd written
7) how to cook absolutely anything...
8) in under 10 mins.
9) how fugly i can be around exam time (malnutrition, dark circles, general craziness)
10) how to speak to, palpate and auscultate pillows
11) how to nod knowledgably when i've no idea in hell what is being talked about
12) how to not be surprised by crazy stories
13) how to be a dripstand
14) how to neutralise your gag reflex (early morning breakfast)
15) how to walk miles in heels
16) how to run in heels
17) how to work hard and play even harder
18) how to function on 30minutes of sleep
19) how to say "hiya i'm shakira a 4th year medical student is it alright if i talk to you for a while" without even thinking.

but other than the silly, crazy things, i also learned a lot of important things.

1) how to not judge
2) how to care for people
3) how to laugh at problems
4) how to laugh at myself
5) how not to treat people
6) how to listen
7) when to talk and not talk
8) how to hone on my strengths and make up for my weaknesses

and most importantly, i learned a lot about myself and about people around me... i know out of this, i'm realising what i am, and what i can be and can achieve, and i'm also learning and finding people i'll keep around me for a lifetime or two. alhamdulillah.

libra shopper

2011-01-04T03:38:00.000-08:00

this is a girlie post so guys, keep away!

24 hours from nowwww...real life is gonna kick in.
i really dont feel like getting back to it yet. so i went out yesterday and bought a skirt and a cardigan. i have a habit of buying things and returning them right back. because i'm indecisive like that, and it's a battle between guilt and impulsivity when i shop. any libra shoppers out there would like to agree?

anyway, i found that i'm a fan of the vintage and french style. to tweak it around to be muslimah-suited can be a challenge sometimes, but fun too.

p.s. i think my friend is a very talented photographer, look at this:

can anyone i'm gonna marry someday be good at taking pretty photos? i look like i was in some magical place! but then again, malaysia is magical :) happy new year to all of you, maybe i'll write something about resolutions and all of those stuffs sometime, buutttt let me just enjoy my last free day for now. boo.

the scale

2011-01-01T09:24:00.000-08:00

so i have been watching the jerry springer show and had found myself pretty amused by how crazy the world is. everyone seems to be sleeping with everyone, there seems to be no boundaries, no more respect for blood ties, friendships and even, for humanity. while i know some of the cases are perhaps extreme or acted out, and it makes for some form of entertainment but in retrospect, i cant help but feel kind of sad at how messed up the society is.

how has it became this way? why are we letting this creep up to be a norm? it's true that all it takes for a bad thing to become a norm is acceptance, and i feel like that's what we've been doing. we accept everything under labels such as freedom. we are like parents who are spoiling our child so bad, he's growing up to be a terrible person. and this kid then goes on to give birth to another generation of terrible people, and that THEN becomes a norm.

i think that the biggest flaw of this world's law is that it fails to address emotional hurt. i'm sure a lot of you would agree that emotional hurt can be as crushing and as traumatising, if not more in some cases than physical ones. you can feel it, but you can't see it, and because you can't, you dont get justice over it. doesn't make sense does it? makes you wanna cry out "but it is real!!!". i am a libra, so i'm a sucker for justice and i ask all these questions like "who do i turn to for this justice? who would make sure my feelings are kept safe, and should anyone trod all over it, he/she won't or pay for it? where is this other court which will account for this?" for that reason, i'm glad i found it in religion. it outlines justice for the big things like murders/rapes/robberies, but it also addresses equally important emotional and moral issues like who you can and can't marry, adultery, how to treat your parents and children, how to treat people, even seemingly petty things like talking behind each other's back, or talking about your husband to other people. we might argue that these things are inbuilt into us, but is it? why is there an obvious lack of moral fibres in today's society-and more disturbingly, why is it progressively depleting?

one seemingly similar theme that is used as the excuse is that "i'll sleep with anyone i like, if it's a mistake so be it. i'll make all mistakes because hey, i only got one life. i might as well try everything." well it's not fair if the afflicted party doesnt think that way and even if everyone thinks that way, then rest assured, this society is going downhill. as for me, it is my belief that this life is a platform for the eternal life, which is the hereafter. and everything i do or say will be held accountable in the court of Mahsyar. be it good or bad, big or small, everything will be weighed on the scale of Mizan. and He will know, He sure will for He made me and everything that i know and not know about.

"And We shall set up the Scales of Justice on the Day of Resurrection, then none shall be wronged in any matter. If the weight of a mustard seed exists, We shall manifest it…” (The Qur’an 21:47)

i love this read: http://www.onislam.net/english/reading-islam/living-islam/growing-in-faith/450325-tips-for-keeping-balance-in-life.html

60s

2010-12-29T12:49:00.000-08:00

sometimes i think i'm born in the wrong time. i'm pretty much raised in the new millenium as you call it, but really, at heart, i'm closer to the 60s-70s era.

-i love the oldies, i listen to the carpenters, the beatles, abba, the temptations, recently al green, you know, the lot.

-i'd love to wear polka dot dresses with big colourful shades alllll day long.

-i like the idea of guys being gentlemen, you know, taking coat off to not let the lady step into a puddle kinda thing... and also being manly men, all-"move aside lady, let the men do the hard job"...maybe be in a war or two (but come out alive of course)

-my idea of how a woman should be is demure and gentle, cheeky maybe but not overbearingly suggestive. i'm not a fan of this era's "milkshakes bringing all the boys to the yard" and kissing a girl and liking it. you know..? and when does washing cars in miniskirts become a cliche, who made it? 'numsayin'? i think some things should stay private... i also think sometimes, women's lib is getting overrated. i'm all for fighting for equal pay and job opportunities but i'm not in agreement with women making passes at men, cmon, let the guys do that job! women are becoming too manly for my liking.

-i am not very good at technology. i'll gladly trade this era's internet with writing meaningful letters. and for that reason, i put the beatles' mr postman song on just fer youuu.

so yes, if anyone's got a time machine, please please consider trying it on me.

anywayyyyy on a completely different topic. this is me in 40years' time :)

.

2010-12-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

i am crushed.

rindu

2010-12-25T09:30:00.000-08:00

OK it may be the christmas season (everyone's at home with their families and all that jazz), it may be the hormones, it may just be me, but i am an extreme softie today. first i cried watching The Grinch (i know...), then i was clearing up old stuffs in my room when i found my hot-pink disneyland pajama-gown and my green shirt - and that made me nostalgic. the pink gown was a gift from back when i was in 1st year, and the green shirt was a favourite back in year 2. how much simpler life was back then... i must have not liked them enough at one point to stow them away in my 'excess bag'. but now i cant remember why and i'm gonna wear them again.

i know life moves forward but sometimes i really do wish i could turn back time whenever i want, just for a while, just for a day.. whenever the present is simply too much to handle. do you ever wish that?

merry christmas to my friends who celebrate it, and happy holidays to the rest of you :)

pictures from 2007/8

fell and hurt my head

levitation!

meditation

imaginary fireball!

stardust

2010-12-21T12:26:00.000-08:00

it's the start of the hols. a good stretch for 2 weeks.
im looking forward to next week.
i'm pretty contented, alhamdulillah.

stardust shouldnt make me sad,
i should be able to bat it away like it's a fly..

survival of the fittest

2010-12-17T20:31:00.000-08:00

hello, ive been missing for a while, i know. i just needed a break.
so tonight, we played Risk, which is a command and conquer kind of board game. i thought it was interesting, we quit it because it was taking a bit too long, but i had 3 continents at a point so i think i wasnt bad for a first-timer ;) it's a game of allies-forming and taking risks because essentially, your future lies in 2 dice.

my friend made a comment that that's how life is, you form allies. while i agree that might be the case, i think it is a double-edged concept. i agree on working together in achieving a similar goal, but i find it sad if you line-up to weaken someone else. i think human beings are sometimes built that way. we are very self-oriented, we clot together when it benefits us. i think it happens in everything, from invading countries to, coincidentally from a friend's experience, even when it comes to finding a mate! it's like survival of the fittest. the strongest, richest, smartest, prettiest will win. it's sad when the strong allies with each other to beat the weak, but in the end, guess what'll happen? they'll stab each other in the back when it comes to the one prize.

i think what i really like about my religion is that it sets the rule for everything to be a fair playing ground. i appreciate that it has justice in everything and for everything, no matter who you are. be it in outlining the concept of trade and sales, to marriage. i'll speak about something i know about, the criterias muslims are encouraged to look into in assessing someone to be a spouse: 1) looks 2) wealth 3) good family lineage 4)religion (this being the most commendable).this is where the fairness is: it puts emphasis on something that everyone can always work on, no matter if she/he is born poor or ugly, and that is religion. with religion of course, comes good heart, behaviour and personality. isnt it beautiful how islam delicately encourages us to look past all the 'superficialities' and take someone for their heart, while also acknowledging that power and beauty are naturally attractive to human beings?

i think it's good to be competitive but without guidance that sets the boundaries, it can be dehumanising. it can give birth to betrayals, backstabbings and cheating. after all, isnt pure 'survival of the fittest' something that happens in the animal kingdom, so what separates us from them?

what are you good at?

2010-12-04T03:39:00.000-08:00

so ive been watching the old season of the apprentice, and although it's terribly uncool to enjoy a reality tv show, i'm gonna be honest and say that i did. im sure the dramas are all tweaked to boost ratings etc, but what appeals to me is the concept of identifying your skill set i.e. recognising what you can be great at.

this is just a personal point of view, but i feel that what we lack as a developing country is recognising who are good at what. from my experience at school and after-school, the vibe that i get was, all the smart kids either go into engineering, medicine, law etc. it felt like a priviledge to be able to get into these 'hot' courses, almost like an unwritten consensus that says "you will be a fool to let go of that chance if you get it"

but are you really a fool?

i happen to be lucky that i was absorbed into this system AND actually feeling like i have the skill set and interest to be doing medicine. but how many medical/law/engineering students out there who honestly, just picked this route just because it'd be a 'waste' to miss this chance, when in fact their skill set would have been better in something else? wouldn't it be better if we have a system which detects what everyone is good at, and directs them specifically there for polishing up what is already natural to them? i'm a believer of success coming in doing your best in what you can do best, i've respect for your profession (clean ones, at least ;) ) so long as you have a clear idea why you're doing it.

so whatever you get academic-wise, even if you got a straight A1s for SPM, don't be afraid of standing up and out, and say "screw medicine. i hate learning about cells and drugs. i'm gonna sell nasi lemak, and that's what i'll be good at and will work hard in, so be it". because you know what, you might just be the owner of the next multimillion-dollar nasi lemak business.

to all you strangers out there.

2010-12-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

hey you. there you are, looking at me, forming your first impression of me. "you must be this and that kind of person, right?". and there's no telling you otherwise, you've decided for yourself what kind of a person i am, or rather, what kind of a person you want me to be. and even if you get the chance to get to know me, there is no changing of your mind, people believe what they want to believe, they omit what they dont want. and in the end, you dont know me, you know an ideal person you form in your mind to replace me. but you know reality trumps dreams, i will re-emerge, the real me. maybe 're-emerge' is a wrong word to use, i've been here all these while, you just have been looking through a cataract of idealism. and you know all these things! yet here you are acting surprised, telling me you dont know me. truth is, you never did.

just £3, RM10. anything.

2010-11-25T06:59:00.000-08:00

could i possibly direct your attention to this?
i saw this advert on tv: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-_WYAm3gLwk&feature=channel

i dont know if any of you had had similar experiences during your childhood, but do you remember that little kitten which just won't feed and slowly dies no matter what you do to save it? i can't imagine seeing a little child's life ebbing away...surely there's enough to go round, surely all that waste of food could have made someone's dinner for a week. don't you wish that you could just wrap them up in a blanket, make them feel warm and safe, take them away from all the pain :( and i know it's a well-known fact that this is happening at some parts of the world, but how often do you think about it? how long after saying "oh kesiannya...aw that's sad..." do you rebound back to 'normal life' and contemplate on getting that new iphone? i dont mean to be harsh, it's understandable, we keep away from things that upset us, but some people dont have that choice to just switch off...and as much as your sympathy is well-meaning, words also mean nothing and will do nothing to help.

so i hope there'll be at least one of you guys out there who'll join me and part with that little money you could have used to buy a bar of chocolate in trade for a child's life: http://www.savethechildren.org.uk/ God bless you for your kindness.

part 2

2010-11-24T17:11:00.000-08:00

i talked to someone about the previous post, and very rightfully so, the response was

"i don't know. i'd like to live my life as if i'd only got one chance at it. kind of live my life to the fullest"

and i totally 100% agree with that. i feel like, in explaining the concept of life as a dream, i appear to be undermining the importance of this life,and in being successful at it. i hadn't wanted to turn the conversation theological, but perhaps i should to aid the explanation of my view, so stop reading if you'd rather not know about it.

it might be worthwhile to understand that, at least in my belief, what we do in this life, affects how we will judged for the eternal hereafter. there will be the judgement day when you will be accounted for every wrongdoings and good deeds, even ones as tiny as grains, and these will weigh where you head to dwell for the rest of your afterlife. in other words, life is like an exam with very high stakes, you do not wanna screw up. i agree that sometimes, the impression that i get from the way i was brought up and was guided in what to believe, is morality comes before success. i.e. it's better to be a poor man with a kind heart, then a rich, immoral man. however, i was also stressed on how being successful also makes it easier for you to do good. think about it, say you're a rich person, it's just much easier isnt it for you to change someone's life, or make donations, or have a more prominent voice in making decisions for the good of yourself and others. and this does not just go for financial wealth, say if you empower yourself with knowledge and be a doctor, you just get a higher propensity to be in a position where you can help others.

i guess my point is, the concept of life being a dream is kind of like a mediator, a stabilising concept. if you find yourself striving for worldly things that you lose yourself along the way, it helps to remind you of the way back. if you find yourself not actually succeeding in life (i'm not being pessimistic, it does happen. ask 50% of people out there), it is a reason to keep you off suicide, a reason for you to think that things aren't so bad after all, at least if youve been good, you've an eternity to look forward to...

these are my two cents. let me know what you think.

we are living the dream. or a dream.

2010-11-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

i had a dream last night, which was a typical Shakira dream. random, vivid, imaginative (or bizarre). the thing i found is:

1)there is no stimulus per se (i cant control what i'll be dreaming)
2)i may feel and even smell things in it
3)issues which would have been nonsensical in real life hold great importance in a dream
4)i have no control over how a dream transpires in general (i may act accordingly in a dream, but there's no way i can tell there's big crocodile waiting outside my house door, which is now a castle with a moat)...

all these describe a dream.
all these describe a hallucination.

i figure out that the only difference between me and a schizophrenic patient is that i do this when i'm sleeping, and he/she while he is awake.

and i also figure out that, rather disturbingly, how similar the descriptions of a dream/hallucination are to what one may describe life. i remember what a friend told me about a hadith by the prophet (peace be upon him), and i'm gonna rephrase here. it's about how this life is like a dream, and only in your death will you 'awaken'. in the eternity that is the afterlife, you will see how truly short your life was, how truly unimportant the things you stress out/fight/spend your lifetime seeking out for are, how this life is...essentially, a dream. it makes you think, doesn't it?

http://us1.harunyahya.com/Detail/T/7EZU2FZ0164/productId/25081/IMPORTANT_SIMILARITY_BETWEEN_DREAM_WORLD_AND_THE_LIFE_OF_THIS_WORLD

beating drum

2010-11-20T18:47:00.000-08:00

in life, you make desicions. you do calculated risks. how do you calculate your risk? some aren't calculable. especially ones without figures...

how about you?

would you choose water over wine?
do you go for predictability?
do you go for safe?
do you choose the smoothest path, steady as a beating drum?

p.s. (afterthought) dont be cliched and tell me to follow my heart... unless you come up with a guideline of understanding the heart language.

.

2010-11-18T10:10:00.000-08:00

i'm going back to cardiff tomorrow
i should be happy right?

i'm not really.

mukabuku

2010-11-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

so some of you might remember crazy dude in my post last time, who posted pictures of bras on my wall. well yeah, i deleted him, and yesterday he sent me messages containing more explicit pictures. i shall not go into details. lets just say i blocked and reported him. honestly, something like this baffles me. i mean, COME ON. creepy guys out there, y'all are gonna have daughters one day. would you like someone to terrorise your daughters that way? although i do suggest strongly against people like these reproducing.

see i know i prolly should not approve most of the friend requests, but to be fair to me, i don't have all the time in the world to check everything, i just kinda approve people who have a lot of mutual friends. i don't mind really, i don't pay much attention to it. i use it to keep in touch with my friends, but my skype or my email are prolly more personal.but it's just things like this ...

so guys, don't be bongok okay. thank you.
selamat hari raya :)

p.s. i love this song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lqJDuZIcQ34 haha i'd prolly listened to it like 6 times already... and now i cant get SAPRIIITE out of my head. man i dig creativity like that.

medley

2010-11-11T09:45:00.000-08:00

here's a quick update of my day:

1- having lunch at wimpy restaurant (yes, that's the name)and looking at carmarthen river during sunset.

2- having one of my contact lenses dries out and totally messes up my right eye. it's now red, i'm considering pulling this look off from tomorrow onwards:

(what do you think, will it be a hit on the wards?)

3- pushing my friend's car which got stuck in the mud. yes, me. superwoman much? lol. it was a windy night and nobody was out there in the backyard lane thingie, and i realised that... i love having the wind blows my hair... :)

i hope you have a good day too.

bob marley was a wise man.

2010-11-10T14:28:00.000-08:00

he's right, isn't he?

aikido

2010-11-09T10:18:00.000-08:00

so last friday, we learned about self-defense technique! kind of like what to do when you're attacked by patients. because you want to be safe, but at the same time, you don't want to be causing excessive harm to your patients.

so i had quite a lot of people grabbing my clothes, choking my neck, pulling my hair (or hijab), yanking my hands, and all those sort of stuffs. and i found the techniques very familiar because i did some aikido back then. nothing amazing, i'm still on white. i had a conversation with my attachment partner who is a martial arts enthusiast. and he thinks that because i chose to do aikido over its famous brother taekwondo, that makes me a smart girl. lol. oh but i hope i'm not offending any taekwondo fans out there, i think both are amazing, but different. taekwondo's more attack, and aikido's more on the defense part. you can argue that attacking is the best form of defense, but since aikido focuses more on maximising little energy and channeling your opponent's energy against themselves, maybe it's more suitable for my delicate little self :) i do find that i'm still lacking very much on the ability to do it spontaneously, like on reflex basis. i probably can come up with what to do if i know beforehand, or am given a few seconds to think, but i dont think rapists and robbers go and warn you "alright,i'm gonna grab your hand now. think about that"... :P

which meanssssss i need more practice! and more time to do it! oh the things i wanna do if i got time...

1) more swimming
2) AIKIDO
3) learn another language
4) cook/bake more complicated stuffs

hontoni? hait!

the unspoken

2010-11-05T16:24:00.000-07:00

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2010/nov/03/lauren-booth-conversion-to-islam

so i'd talked about my frustration in the post before...and by chance i saw this piece of article on the news and found it refreshing and comforting. if only, if only people can see and understand who we are. so many things to say. so little chance to do so.

love and peace
love and peace
love and salam

hmm

2010-11-03T09:49:00.001-07:00

today we talked about why people commit suicide.and someone said religion. somehow, it turns into one of those talks about terrorists and suicide bombers. someone said that these people 'read too much into it', read too much into the quran. i beg to differ, i think otherwise. i think they dont. and it frustrates me when i hear that, because it indicates that this quran is a dangerous book and anyone who reads a lot of the Quran or get into it, will be dangerous. i didnt say anything then, because i was in a 'can't be arsed' mood and didnt wanna deviate the teaching into a religious discussion. my only comeback was that when we were asked why people don't commit suicide, i answered... "religion".

sometimes people ask me about religion. i always love pointing out and hearing about diversity, in terms of culture and beliefs. but over time, i've picked on signs of someone who actually wants to know or someone who asks but doesnt really wanna listen to my answer. it may be reference on '40 virgins', or something along that line, but i know then to not say anything and smile or just say something politically correct...

i cant stress further that contrary to "popular belief", no, muslims do not envision forcing everyone into becoming a muslim. to be frank, i dont care if you dont believe what i dont. someone's belief is entirely up to oneself:

109:1 Say: O disbelievers,
109:2 I serve not what you serve,
109:3 Nor do you serve Him Whom I serve,
109:4 Nor shall I serve that which ye serve,
109:5 Nor do you serve Him Whom I serve.
109:6 For you is your religion, and for me is mine.

i'm just tired.

nokia ftw

2010-11-02T01:57:00.000-07:00

this is why i don't care for fancy phones. somebody left my 2 weeks-missing phone on the balcony in the rain yesterday. it looked like it HAD prolly spent 2 weeks in the rain, has a puddle of water under its screen and some possible bits of grass, and was stepped on. after some drying up by the radiator, i found that...it still works! can your iphones and blackberry do that? :)

decisions decisions

2010-10-31T21:15:00.000-07:00

i'm contemplating on returning back to cardiff this weekend. i've grown accustomed to the quietness of this place and like my housemate.. and i'm also trying to save up.. but it's fireworks night next saturday, and i miss these girls:

also, some of you found my supernote youtube video against my stern warning. and think it's amusing to email me the link. memang nak kena. wait till i hunt you down and squeeze a supernote out of you...then we'll see who gets the last laugh...

(my threatening secret smile)

i am a baby turtle

2010-10-30T07:19:00.000-07:00

i had a frustrating morning today, and decided to take a walk to town. so this place is rather small and there's hardly anyone around so i tried looking at google map before going but it looked so complicated that in the end, i thought "screw this. i'm just gonna guess my way through".

have you guys ever done that? i always do. i call it the baby turtle walk. you know how when baby turtles hatch, they just kinda guess their way to the ocean by following the moonlight and listening to the sounds of the waves? that is kinda how this is. most times when i feel like it, or when things at home are tiring me out, i just walk whereever my legs take me. it gives me time to think. but if i wanna get to town, and there's no signboards around, i just follow the cars. because whereever most cars head to will be the town centre right? buses are bonus points, because they are signposted. i suppose i did got lost a couple of times since i started doing this, but everyone around me speaks english, so it's okay.

i kinda not know how things are gonna go right now, just like a baby turtle which is wading through the sand not knowing if it's gonna reach the sea or be a seagull's midnight snack. naturally, as it is with looking at pictures of beaches and with things not feeling right, i am missing malaysia a lot.

03

2010-10-29T19:19:00.000-07:00

i dreamt of something i hadnt for a very long time. it stirred up some very real, very painful emotions. i hadnt thought about it, but i suppose the memories are there. and memories can be punishing...

dear mr postman

2010-10-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

so i'm waiting to receive my sim card and some stuffs, but if i'm not in, they're gonna send it to the post office, and god knows where that is on this new planet. so i wrote this letter and leave it hanging on my postbox:

and...it worked! hehe. there was a parcel on?at? my porch today. and a "when you were away, we left it on the porch" card. awesome. but anyways, anyone who has a spare car, do send it over my way. or anyone who owes me a car...or two.or seven.

i also did my supernote, it was 71 secs. i was really too lazy to make another one, so yeah. BUT i wont give you guys the link because seriously, you have a lot of better things to do than see a girl saying aaah for 1 minute ;) and plus, i kinda look silly doing that, so dont! no. seriously.

supernote

2010-10-26T10:32:00.000-07:00

ok so i know you prolly know that i love love love the shaytards.
well if you dont, yeah well. i do. they are my breakfast ritual. i eat my toasts watching them.

so henywaizz. there's this supernote contest where you just hold a note (the musical kind) for as long as you can. so basically, the team with the most number of accumulative time wins. and you can guess which team i'm on. the shaytards rebellionites!

i havent actually made the video response yet, because im practising, but i will by the deadline which is on the 30th. i'm usually around 70 secs. it's pretty cool to know that an average person's time is 20ish secs, but ive been swimming since i was 5 so that prolly helps with my lung capacity. my personal best is 84 seconds, which if you see here:http://rhettandlink.com/blog/supernote2010_teams/?captid=8 would have made number 7 and i would have gotten a free tshirt :(! darn it, i wish i caught it on video, but i wasnt wearing my hijab then :( anywaysssss if you guys are just bored, or are curious about how long you can hold your breath, come join the shaytards and post a video response of you holding a note to this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wz8Yxf05jCU&feature=related

ok? pretty please? hi hi. have a nice day.
p.s. also today, i realised that i am a very lucky girl... not in terms of being blessed with good health etc, (that's a daily thing), but more because of people who love me. thank you.

october. hope.

2010-10-23T15:01:00.000-07:00

i'm sure all of us has got someone in his/her family or someone close to them who was affected by cancer... i myself had seen a number of people being diagnosed with cancer in my 4 years as a medical student. i'd seen them yearn, no, yearned with them that it was not cancer, seen their faces fell when it actually was and seen their eyes glazed over like a death sentence had been read out... it's a horrible, horrible feeling just to see that happening in front of your eyes, let alone to be the one bearing the reality of cancer. berat mata memandang berat lagi bahu memikul.

do you know that october is breast cancer month? it's one of the things that makes october a beautiful month. not beautiful as in the disease itself, god no. but there is beauty in hope... hope for a cure, hope for an awareness, hope for better understanding. without hope, what are we? an impossibility may just be a possibility that just hasn't been realised, and i suppose polio and smallpox were once just as 'incurable' as cancer... and if we hadn't hoped, they would have stayed that way.. so come on guys, lets do our bit in this.

this is a wonderful song on october, which i dedicate to cancer fighters out there, and people who are fighting it in their own ways. you are not alone, and you have my love.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IHbYhS-2zX4

listen not hear

2010-10-21T14:04:00.000-07:00

someone asked my doctor if i could be his doctor today and sang me a song which was quite good actually, something along the line of the best thing in life is loving someone. he also asked me my star sign, said that it is the sign of the beautiful, and told me to tell my boyfriend that he's a lucky man.

so okay he may or may not (leaning towards may...) have a mental health problem, but at least he's on the pleasant side of things. excessive, but still. i find psychiatry...amusing so far. it's so different. i find that these people can be highly intelligent, or at least observant... they told me about knowing when someone is listening or just hearing. i admit how that can be hard. my personal quest to not judge and just listen WAS put to the ultimate test, but being someone who rarely dominates a conversation and having a rather big propensity to accept differences, i feel like i can be natural at this. i'm not saying i might be good or even interested in this in the long run, just natural.

or... it might be because i'm slightly crazy myself. oh arent we all ;)

unclear

2010-10-19T13:03:00.000-07:00

why do i need it served on a dish in front of me?
why do i need to know everything?
why can't i know half and accept half?
does this have a deep root i'm not aware of?

sheesh. i annoy the hell out of me sometimes.
switch it off, shakira.

ahad.

2010-10-18T22:40:00.000-07:00

i had a long talk with my friend today, about what's going on in the world. somehow, the conversation turns to culture and religion. she finds it interesting that i choose my colours of my hijab, and we talked about different styles. i told her about how just like any other girls having a bad hair day, muslim girls also have bad hijab days, when the hijab just refuses to behave and flops everywhere. i think it's important not just for someone else seeing me, but even for me to see that how people dress up is only a piece of cloth. underneath it, people are people with individual interests, needs, things that make them happy or sad.

everytime i talk about it to someone else, i always feel like a topic i could talk about with fondness. i probably am not as good a muslim as i could be, but it is one gift that i couldnt ever be more thankful about, to be born a muslim, because if i'm not, i don't know if i ever will. putting myself in a position of someone who doesnt believe, i know it must be hard to discover it. discovering it is one thing, to actually find it in yourself to even know more about it(what's with all the stigma associated to it) is an even harder thing. and then the most difficult part -i could imagine how hard it is to leap from not believing to commiting to the belief of one god... on the other hand, i feel like the value is more for someone to know and discover it, because they really know what they fall in love with...

i saw this website on someone's wall today and i clicked on it out of curiousity because its caption captures my attention "one man continues to inspire billions of lives 14 centuries after he lived" http://inspiredbymuhammad.com/ for some reasons, it makes me sad to read about the part when the prophet pbuh died. if he was alive today, what could he have said/ done? i dont know the exact words, but i guess that's why he said that we will be a generation better than the last, because we believe even when he isnt here, we believe even when we havent seen for ourselves how the truth grows, and we have love for someone we've never met....

so camarthen!

2010-10-16T16:16:00.001-07:00

i have been feeling a bit more upbeat since i wrote the last post. i havent finished packing, in fact, i have barely started. my kind of early birthday wasnt so bad. kabi treated me to an unagi nigiri, which i like, then me and the girls wanted to go to the city for something nice, but we got stuck at hany's house party where i learned for the first time how to play mafia. i was unfortunately, 'killed' quite a number of times. most importantly, people i love took time off to talk to me just now, which made me a lot happier... i dont know if this is a thing that happens when you grow up, but lately, i find myself caring more for private times with people i love. like... i appreciate big parties with themes and everything, but i would have been as happy, if not happier, if it was just a private affair between me and someone who cares for me/ whom i care for. have i got the settling down syndrome?

on another note, i'm bringing ridiculous things to camarthen. because im saving up, i must think about how to cook my meals there, and not spend money buying meals from outside. so ive made a pot of sambal to bring..and stuffs to make the usual stuffs like nasi goreng, curries or thai dishes, kaya (lol). i'm actually pretty psyched about psychiatry (yeah yeah how cool am i to come up with that? *cricket sounds*). is it totally ridiculous to bring my thick gloves in case it snows and we wanna have a snowball fight? yeah... dont answer that. i also MUST remember to transfer some entertainment in case the internet does not exist (like in some places) or if the connection's suicidally bad.

i'll surely miss cardiff, ive only been around here in my new house for 7 weeks max but already, i feel like it's home and i'll miss the normalcies around it. mostly memories around it, which i hope to bring over to camarthen. anyways, here are some pictures of my night. hope you had a good one too.

let me introduce you to Wisp. she is delicate, like me :)

unknown

2010-10-15T18:54:00.000-07:00

floating mannequins in life jackets,
a little round world whirling in space,
a ship in a storm.

weird places you visit in a dream.

anyway, my birthday is on monday. it will probably be one of my suckiest birthdays. i'm leaving for camarthen on sunday, there will only be 6 of us there. everyone's leaving for some places and people around me are busy. i said to people not to worry, since there is virtually nothing they can do when i'm miles away in west wales. and i feel like i'm never one to care so much about throwing a big party for my birthday but i'm not gonna lie to you, i do feel sad.

it's not everyday you turn 23. but i guess, you're 23 for the next 365 days after that. so... hrmmm.

L'amore vincerà

2010-10-12T22:53:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to Per Te again by Josh Groban. it brings me back to my first year in cardiff... a lot of things happen then but i dont wanna talk about it.

i love his deep but gentle voice, i love how his eyes are so serious when he sings it, i love the sweet, almost desperate confessions of love in the lyrics, and i love the story behind the dance in the videoclip. it's entirely in italian, but i remember all the lyrics of this song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5Z5iH7dPek

mixed post

2010-10-11T09:04:00.000-07:00

hello how was your day.
nah dont bother answering. let me tell you about mine.
so i went in today thinking we only have an informal test on the 3 neuro examination skills ... when i was given the pleasant surprise that nope, it's a full test on neuro knowledge - which i had left for 3 weeks.

just great. i pretty much screwed up the paper. to be fair, everyone prolly made the same mistake but it's not fun feeling like you're dumb, you know? :( it doesnt help that the questions were hard too and because i'm underprepared, i was not confident about the things i ACTUALLY knew so that sucks. to top it off, my nerves, skipped lunch and increased brain's glucose demand made me end up feeling completely catabolic and gave me a complimentary gastritis. suits me really, for not being on top of my game. gosh shakira, you've to get back on track and be, you know, good.

other than that though, for some reason i still feel like i'm one of the luckiest girls on the planet...i hope your day was either good, or if it was bad, it had one redeeming factor :)

canvas

2010-10-10T10:56:00.000-07:00

my feelings right now...

i wanna go back in time... specifically in 2002 when everything was simple. life was simple. and in the little problems my simple life handed to me, they were there for me to take comfort in simply seeing their faces. i miss them so much.

greensleeves

2010-10-07T09:41:00.000-07:00

hello.
this is gonna be an entirely different post but it'd be good, so read on. as a girl, i'm pretty low on the fussy eating side. i don't watch my calorie intakes, and had never been on a diet. i've been lucky to have fast metabolism, which runs in the family, although i do work by the rule of thumb to eat when i'm hungry, and stop when i'm full. i think that gives a good indicator of eating an adequate portion of food. i have however, recently taken more notice of my vege and fruits intake. i mean...i ate them before, but i dont think i was consistent about it, and i feel like i should be. so i'm gonna share with you what i've been doing. i know we all know about the 5 portions a day (of fruits and vege) suggestion. sounds like...ughhhh but how much do we know about what makes a portion? it is unbelievably small even for a vegie hater, i wonder why we find it so hard to start. these are some suggestions for ONE portion:

-1 'medium fruit': apple, banana, orange, peach, pear
-1 handful/ 9 pieces small fruits: grapes, strawberries, cherries
-150 ml fruit juice
-1 tablespoon raisins
-1 tomato
-3 tablespoon of beans
-3 tablespoon sliced carrots
-2 spears of broccoli
-2 handfuls cabbage
-1 dessert bowl lettuce
-3 celery sticks
-2 inches cucumber
-14 buttons mushrooms
-1 medium onion
-6 baby sweetcorns
-1 tablespoon tomato puree

basically, just pick 5 of those, and scatter them somewhere in your meals throughout the day. yes, you only need 5! and i'm not even talking about hardcore greens like spinach, if you're a babycorn person, take 12 of those, and that's 2 portions. easy huh. i selected these because i like them, but you can easily google your preferences of vege and fruits and see what makes a portion ;) good thing about it is, you don't even have to do much as the raw ones are better. sometimes when i don't have time, i just munch on it with my sandwich, nasi goreng or whatever. believe me, you won't even notice the favour you're doing to your body. so if you haven't already done so, come join me.

oh and don't forget your 8 glasses of water! :)

p.s. about the song, i heard it in something i was watching, it reminds me of when i used to be in a play. i was an angel who told the story of a man who was going to america when he met a girl with dark hair.

fear.

2010-10-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

the recent terror threats in the europe and the accompanying bouts of islamophobia upset me so much. i have so many things i wish i can convey. i feel like sitting these 'extremists' down and asking them, seriously dude, wth are you smoking? what part of the crap you're doing is islam? are you aware of how much suffering you're inflicting to not only the people you intend to hurt, but also the people who are wrongfully associated to you? where does sending murderous threats get you? what do you get? not respect, that's for sure. maybe fear. for some reasons, i picture you to be premature school bullies who are proud of the fear they are igniting, but fear is not respect. nothing works for long with a fear-based system.

i have similar disdain for people who ignite islamophobia like the dutch politician who says that he speaks for the majority when he says he's "had enough of burkas, headscarves, the ritual slaughter of animals, circumcision, Turkish and Arabic on the buses and trains as well as on town hall leaflets, halal meat at grocery shops and department stores, Sharia exams etc etc". for goodness sake, mr wilders, what do you expect from us? ditch our beliefs, let go of our values, be you? for a person who calls islam the new nazism, i find it contrived that you want to be the person who dictates how everyone should lead their lives. for you is your way, and for me is mine, as long as we don't disturb any parts of each other's life and are nice to each other, can't we just coexist? how would you feel if, say a radical vegetarian one day rules the world and decides he's had enough of your meat-eating ways? would that be fair to you? you're right about there being no such thing as an extreme muslim or a moderate muslim, you're either a muslim or you're not but i find your fear of muslims increasing in number irrational. do you wonder, in living in a planet which house billions of muslims, why hasn't the earth turned into a dry crater devastated by explosions?

i feel like these 2 groups of people, whether they like it or not, share the same thing. they cause fear. both terrorists in their own ways. lets keep this simple. as someone puts it, remember that people... are people. so treat them like people. sheesh if there's any aliens reading this, would you mind attacking us human beings, so that maybe for once, we'll forget whatever differences we have and unite for a second.

scales

2010-10-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

i know you're not supposed to believe in horoscopes, but i am such a libra.
in every which way. how i am as a person, things i like, what i like in a person..

and i dont think it's a self-fulfilling prophecy either. sometimes i read one of those things, and it's so ridiculously true, it makes me almost mad to be so predictable!

pftt there can't be only like, 12 types of people in this world. but there you go.

...

2010-09-27T16:13:00.000-07:00

i know how in the world can winter fall apart.
you build something for so long and it can be destroyed with a single blow in a short period of time. does that mean what you worked for was not strong? if it falls easy, is it not meant to stand?

...was it all a dream? it did felt real.

do me a favour, if you're a stranger, smile to me today. if you're around me, give me a hug.

shakira. gratefulness.

2010-09-24T10:56:00.001-07:00

it's not everyday that i consciously appreciate my belief, like i'm thankful i'm born a muslim, but i don't consciously relate it to things around my life. today is one of those days that i do.

we were discussing about medical ethics, and one of the issues that crop up is about what to do when patients refuse treatments. do you know that as a doctor, if a patient comes to you completely dying, has taken an overdose for example, but has a letter which has been witnessed, signed and legalised to say that he/ she doesn't want anything done to her, then it is illegal for you to save her? it will be an assault if you do and you may get sued? this letter is called an advanced directive.

i think the concept is in a way, necessary in that it gives power for people to choose what they want, including to die. BUT the whole time, one thing has been running through my mind, something i deem a major drawback. what if people change their mind? i'll give you a situation. say u have a brain degeneration condition which makes parts of your brain die off but leaves your cognition intact, i.e. slowly makes you paralysed, makes you not be able to feed on your own or speak, but you're still able to think and feel and have memory. right. so what if you make this 'will' when you were still able to talk/write and you feel like you dont wanna be fed when you no longer are able to move and talk. but once you're actually paralysed, and they stop feeding you, what if you change your mind but there's nothing you can do to make anyone realise that? it's scary isn't it, there you are, slowly feeling the hunger, thinking "wait a minute, i change my mind! i don't wanna go this way! screw dignity, there's no dignity in suffering like this!" but you're trapped because now you can no longer communicate, and your letter now speaks for you, binds everyone around it to adhere to it. well i guess you will think it through before writing that kind of letter, but until you're in that situation, how much can you imagine that you can withstand? what if the real thing when it happens is far worse than what you imagined? and lets face it, people change their mind all the time.

one thing that is great about my religion is that it is clear and concise in everything. what is not allowed, what is haram. suicide and euthanasia- both not allowed. alcohol? not a drop. "drink alcohol, as long as you know your limits." hmmm do you really? i don't know. i'm never a drinker myself, but i wonder about the bad things that come out of it e.g. violence, drunk-driving and broken marriages due to that alcohol-induced one night stands - surely there's a time when you question that one shot too many... is there? how do you know? if you say you do, then why do people still lose control? i think ambiguity makes things difficult. not all of us are disciplinarians, i know i'm not one. i wouldn't know how far i'd go through this life without making huge mistakes if i don't have religion. i know cynics out there will say that's how you learn, through mistakes. but i think that goes for mistakes like "not wearing heels when you climb a mountain (which i totally did but that's another story)". not mistakes like, being 23, and having 2 kids- not sure who the fathers are, jobless and without education because of that, and hooked on cocaine et cetera et cetera. my relationship with my religion sometimes feel like one with my parents, the advices being perhaps unpopular at times (or against my rebellion side), but turning out always right.

and the concept of the hereafter, i feel like is a flawless judiciary system and law enforcement. it makes me, in the end, my own police. i decide. i can hide whatever bad things i do from the people around me, but there's no hiding from The All-Knowing. i will pay back for what i do. i know that in my heart for a fact, so if i'm to do something wrong, it changes my goal from evading justice, to...well, not doing it.

heavy stuffs huh. i'm sorry if this offends anyone of you who have different beliefs in life. i'm still discovering a lot of things myself, i thought i'd share you one of them... we can talk about something else if you want, let me know what you are grateful for. what's your shakira? have a nice weekend, much love.

i love eggs

2010-09-22T07:12:00.000-07:00

something my consultant said today is stuck in my mind:

"you're lucky to be in a field where you think for a living"

that pretty much explains and reminds me why i want to be a doctor. i love those little challenges that require me to think, i love the little detective works that come with every cases, and i love that i'll be dealing with people who i potentially can make them feel better if not physically, emotionally. i also like that there is that degree of independance about it where success is not about how good you are at fulfilling orders from other people, but about how knowledgable you are and how much you care for your patients- things that you can work around... it's a profession where essentially to be good, you have to be smart and kind. i don't mind doing that for a living at all. i was also told that a cardiologist is really a hybrid between an electrician and a plumber. if i'm to be that someday, i'll probably make my children tell their teachers that that's what their mom works as.

on a different random note, can anyone tell me why free range eggs are more expensive? like, i know the chicken run free and are not caged, but other than supporting animal rights, is there any actual benefit from eating free ranged eggs? i love animals, but i'm also saving up so as it is, i'm probably buying eggs that come out from a chicken prison or something. but anyways.

have a good day :)

i am

2010-09-21T02:31:00.000-07:00

i think my posts don't always reflect who i am as a person. and i realise i havent written anything about what constitute a half of me; my flaws. so here's some, so you can not like me, or if you still do, you know what you're liking.

sometimes, i'm unreasonable, ridiculous and i just don't listen. they say women are one part reasoning and 8 parts emotions. i dont know how true that is, but if that theory is right, there's not much justifying can do if 8 of the 9 parts are not looked into. i am however, a big fan of gentle words. i tend to shut down when confronted with a possible argument, because i dont like to be in one. that makes me quiet and i start surpressing my feelings because i care more for peace. i can be too idealistic at times. it's done me good that i live up for it, it makes me strive for the best, but it also comes with frustration when i fail to realise my ideals.

changing flaws to a person is like stopping cigarettes to a hardcore smoker. minus the nicotine patch.

as Alice puts it, "here's the truth so you can hate me."

2010-09-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

i had a pretty casual talk with my homies (yes i'm in a gang) over dinner just now... we talked about life, the whats and whos and hows. it's not surprising that i don't know a lot about the answer to any of those questions. does it frustrate me? maybe. i think these 2 years of my life will be pretty crucial. i feel like i'm just gonna close my eyes and float and see where the tides bring me to. i can only hope some of the questions will be answered when i open my eyes. i wouldn't wanna be floating all throughout life.

que sera sera.
can i be honest with you? everytime i say that, it makes me sad.

igen

2010-09-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

fall is here. winter is coming. winter has this effect on me:

Och dom säger att stan har blivit tyst och ful och öde älskling
Att det kommer bli en lång kall vinter
Jag har lärt mig att saknaden är värst när nån har sovit som ett barn
Genom en iskall vinter

Och du känner att staden är precis som staden alltid varit
I väntan på en lång kall vinter
Och du säger att saknad kan man lära sig att leva med ibland
Genom en iskall vinter

oh stop it.

of all the great machineries...

2010-09-12T22:12:00.000-07:00

today someone asked me if i have forgotten about him/her (lets keep this ambiguous and settle for 'hrm').

technology makes it easy to appear that way, because it's easy to drop a line. and if it's easy, why don't you?

but beneath all the metals we adorn, we are skin and bones inside. and there's a heart that beats.

to hrm, i haven't.

think

2010-09-08T20:52:00.000-07:00

yesterday i was told that the only difference between einstein's brain and everyone else's brain is that the region that controls imagination in multiple dimension is a lot bigger than average. but i always thought that intelligence is not limited to how good you are in physics, you can be a skilled dancer or conversationalist or writer or photographer, and that might mean that part of your brain is much more developed than the rest of the world. i always have respect for people who don't bow down to what the society calls a safe job and follow their dreams when they know they're good at something. embrace this with passion and effort, of course.

so do you know what kind of a thinker you are?i think i am an animated thinker. i've always been told that i have pretty vivid imagination, and my imagination can get quite animated and may or may not have an associated voice to it. it's not so much of seeing a vector in 3D (which i can but didn't like) but more like seeing the the pathways in the body as little lighted neons and the cells to be, umm...talking to each other... geddit? this unfortunately, makes it sometimes hard to explain why something is funny/ makes sense to me. my friends know that i'm in my crazy imaginative mode when i go "ok...cuba bayangkan.." (ok...imagine this..."), but usually when it comes to that and by the time i reach "geddit?", it's not funny anymoreee.

i also had a conversation with a guy who changed how i view things. when i told him how i find neurology being sometimes somewhat bleak, he said that that's because we don't know a lot of things about it. and knowing that, it probably has a longer possible distance to cover in potential development, which i find is a good way to look at it. sometimes that's why i feel lucky to be doing what i'm doing, i get fortunate enough to hear these wisdoms.

flying planes and cutting up brains.

2010-09-07T08:34:00.000-07:00

hey there. god i'm bad at keeping this blog alive and i'm barely a week into 4th year.. i'm doing neurology and i find it pretty interesting. it's bleak and unclear sometimes but when u can save a life, u can dramatically do so. i also find the consultants sharp. there's something very compartmentalised about the way they think... like you can see the thoughts being organised. i generally hate first parts of the term because you feel like you don't know anyone... and i'm not really a small talks person. sometimes i can be a bit of an all or nothing. i take the listener role with people i just met (especially when someone else is loud) but when i'm with friends or family, i'm...well, a different story. i hope i'm pleasant both ways... although if i annoy you, then you should take it as a compliment because i only annoy people i'm comfortable with.

my consultant had wanted to become a fighter pilot, then changed his mind to become an aircraft engineer, then became a diplomat for a while before becoming a doctor then neurosurgeon. i'm not thinking about changing my course for now, but it does validate my feelings that my life mustn't always be like everyone else's... i fully understand safety in number because i hate being a loner but being safe doesn't always mean being happy. obviously i want both, and if confronted with a choice between the two, i don't know what to choose. life is just so full of uncertainties don't you think? a conversation i had with my consultant:

"i can't afford to be fickle about my choice of study. i got a million ringgit on my head"
"so do you have to pay back the money for your study?"
"i have to serve the government for two years, but i can kinda choose when"
"you should do it right before you die"
"if i know when"

...life is full of uncertainties. and so is death.

p.s. i'm dreaming about falling asleep.