Wednesday, April 23, 2014

steady as a beating drum

As a kid, my favourite disney princess was pocahontas. I love her strength, her courage to explore something unknown and her wisdom about what really matters. I was so very immersed in the native american culture and would read everything about yhem

There were many a time that the scene where she was in a boat choosing between the smoothest course or the wilder river would play out in my life. I draw into that feeling a lot.

Oh do you still wait for me, dreamgiver?

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Like a wild thing
It caves in
It doesnt own or be owned
fascinating, perplexing, empty.

why does it matter

Wednesday, April 16, 2014


which one of the 5 senses that makes a memory, fade first?

i remember flexions in the voice but not the voice itself.
i remember the way a chin curls up but not the face.
sometimes the smell of talybont and wooden floors.
songs are powerful, they take me right to the same spot where i was.
a memory may also be a collection of emotions, in that u remember exactly how u feel yet not necessarily the details around what made u feel that way.

someone told me that if u take away things u dont want to remember, u may also take away the good memories. 

Monday, March 24, 2014

sky high and sea deep

the past 17 days have been a trying time for the country.
what started out as a puzzle, changed into hope, then despair and finally desperation for closure as time ticked by. the media has been ruthless, it feels like we live in a mis-information age. it must be horrible to have your hopes lifted up and dashed everytime you turn on the news, not to mention the cowards who attacked a man who could have been a hero and no longer able to speak for himself.

i do not have family members or anyone i knew onboard, yet the news left me feeling hollow. i have always been sceptical from day 3, i knew no good news would come out of it. i can't imagine their last moments....did they know? did they suffer? what goes inside your head at a time like that?

life is so unpredictable. if it can bring a sky high plane down to the very depth of the ocean, imagine how fragile our lives can be. MH370 has reminded everyone how vast the earth really is... something that is both fascinating and scary.

to those i have wronged, forgive me. i hope if i get snatched away from this world in such manner, i would leave nothing but good thoughts of myself.

“Or (the state of a disbeliever) is like the darkness in a vast deep sea, overwhelmed with waves topped by waves, topped by dark clouds, (layers of) darkness upon darkness: if a man stretches out his hand, he can hardly see it! And he for whom Allah has not appointed light, for him there is no light” The Quran, 24:40 

in the middle of the ocean, you must seem like little sparkles of stars in the middle of a dark night.

Monday, March 10, 2014

missing flight, fleeting miss

it dawns onto me that if ure onboard a doomed plane, u have seconds to compose your last thoughts. What would yours be?

 Im an avid traveller, more often than not, I travel alone. Mh370 has not given me a fear of flying, but a fear of leaving this world without the chance to say goodbye.

MY thought on how id like to ideally go is having 2 heart attacks. One lands me in hospital so I can have my dearest ppl around me then another to..well finish the job.

Today I also saw my friend at the student accomodation in rhyl. Strawberry waffles, that laptop to watch "arrested development" over dinner. A fleeting miss.

Monday, February 10, 2014


Finally watched Frozen.
I think I understand the pain of hurting your loved ones when u couldnt help it.
I think I also understand the comfort in isolation.

had a dinner with Dana, Joe and Safa.
In a conversation that somehow turned deep, talked about what happiness means..

to me, it is the feeling of being safe and secure. Contentment in acceptance. I miss dearly.

Saturday, January 18, 2014


Sometimes, I carry with me the feeling of disconnection. Like im here, im happy but im not really here. 

 2 years. I should be better. I am tired of the hollowness. in the way that I am addicted to it.