happy day

last week was a very trying week. i say trying, not difficult because it was a trial. it tried my patience, it tested my ability to handle a difficult situation, it questioned my skill to deal with difficult people. lets just say we had to do this project, and my subject matter was not very willing. i had to meet her, but she won't even talk to me on the phone. the last straw was when i called and said "hello, can i talk to (her name)", and she said "sorry she's not in". and hung up. yes, hung up. padahal mmg suara dia and tiada orang kat rumah dia except dia dan suami. my initial reaction was anger and frustration. i felt like i tried so hard. i felt like i was let down by fate, why am i so freaking unlucky? orang lain siap kena jemput makan xmas dinner sama2! after a period of staring at the phone in disbelief and some bits of screaming in my pillow (yeah...), i thought to myself about why she acted the way she had. i've never met her. she doesn't have a reason to hate me as a person. but then i thought, at the same time... because she hasn't met me, she also does not have a reason to like me. and i did something that surprised even my(emotional)self, i went online and sent her flowers. a big bouquet of orange carnations saying "i hope you get well soon and these flowers cheer you up. you're always in my thoughts and prayers". betul lah, tapi thoughts tu sbb buat saya pening.

anyway, i called my mom later last weekend. because sometimes when i'm stuck, and don't know where to go and what to do, all i need is a phone call. i didn't need a solution. i asked mom to pray for me, pray that the lady's heart is softened. and today, the lady told me that the flowers cheered her up to no end. and she'd like to see me :) and of course dengan randomnya, the first thing i did was sending mom an "i love you" message.

in the end, all you can do is your best and pray. doa ibu itu makbul. and when people do things that make you sad, maybe that's because they're feeling that way too. an eye for an eye will only make the world go blind.

about him.

my mama called just now, and somehow the conversation turned to marriage. friends around me are married, getting married, planning to get married or in a stable relationship. there are singles who see themselves getting married in at least 5 years' time. naturally a worrier, mama asked "isn't it time to be serious with someone?"

it struck me then that it is the time isn't it, when people start meeting their future in-laws, start worrying about whether they're cooking well enough, start judging their own maturity. i'm not sure where i stand currently. sometimes i've mixed feelings. i wish to be a conversation matter between a man and his mother. i wish to get excited and nervous about knowing a whole set of people who'd later be family. but at the same time, stability is evasive, and i am hidden. i turn to my studies, my travels when friends talk about "what do u do 5 yrs from now", actively not addressing this because my future husband's face is so hazy.

truth is. i dont wanna be with a someone. finding just a someone is not the hardest thing in the world. i wanna be with the right one.

vanilla

"Are you serious?"
"Huh?"
"Are you seriously dumping your rubbish into this bin?"
"Are you gonna fill it up?"

This bizarre dialogue will haunt me in my sleep tonite. It's 3.30 am and i'm still not asleep. a lot had happened in the form of exposed happy people, he who annoys, turtleneck confession and busted bin space theft.

they say it takes all sorts to make the world round. wow they do mean all sorts.

Note to the future Dr. Shakira regarding medical students

Dear Dr/Consultant/Senior Lecturer/Surgeon Shakira,

I know it's been almost 10, 20, 30 years ago now that you were a medical student. So these are a few reminders and advices you should be refreshed about, just in case you forget (because time flies fast doesn't it, and with time, you also forget that you were once a medical student).

I know you know a lot of things now; maybe right down into the littlest minute, molecular details of the cellular replication process because you did a research on it, or maybe you can close your eyes and dip your hands into someone's abdomens and tell what you're feeling, or maybe tell the littlest fracture from an X-ray from miles away, or maybe come with conclusive diagnosis within 15 seconds of talking to a patient...yes but do remember that all these came and were enhanced by experience. Those medical students haven't had the years that you have, so be gentle and nurturing. Tell them how to think the way u do. Think the way they do. Be part of their experience.

Dear Dr/Consultant/Senior Lecturer/Surgeon Shakira,

I know you had grown from both critics and compliments. And surely you remember that they both are equally important. At least to you. But remember that some people grow more from being scolded and some from being valued. A good teacher isn't always mean, isn't always the one who holds the cane. Be strict about what they did wrong, but acknowledge them for doing it right. They're like trees, they need the hot sun, but they also need the cool water; so let them grow. Be the balance you know you're good at. I know it scares you to imagine their gritty young hands handling another person's life, but you can't be there forever to do all the saving. You will die one day, and they need to continue after you die. Who knows, maybe their gritty young hands will be the ones saving your life.

So dear Dr/Consultant/Senior Lecturer/Surgeon Shakira,

I know these are hard words to take in, I mean, you are someone more important now. You probably don't listen to everything people say, but remember that everytime you see a medical student, they were once just like you. And you should take it from me, because I am you.

well hello mad world

i'm down with a real busy schedule now, with attachment and assignments coming up, n exam creeping silently around the corner, with extra responsibilities and fun i choose to embark on. i'm planning my time round the clock, round the hour although i can't say it's been perfect. some days i'd just be doing everything but work; play guitar hero till late night, find Wallys, just hang with them girls, annoy mok by asking inappropriate Qs based on *some* interesting blog or do nothing! but really, i hope to realise some bits of potentials i know i have, i know everyone has.

it occurs to me that medicine is a commitment. it's kind of like marriage i suppose, u might hate it sometimes, but it's gonna stay with u for another 50 years or so. so u have to make room in your life for it, adjust ur life around it or better, adjust it around ur life. after all, u got in because u fell in love with it didn't u?

well anyways, have a listen to this song i'm kind of humming to everwhere now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WfR238kimYU&feature=related

how to save a life or kill someone.

had a good day.
but my right iliac fossa hurts.
like there are fingerprint spots where it hurts.
you know...?
how do i keep my good days?

picture me

i just feel like capturing this moment right here right now.
it isnt a special moment i.e. nothing special happened.
it's a tuesday morning. class doesnt start until 2.
but there's just something that spells contentment about it.
that's prolly how i'm feeling right now, contented. alhamdulillah.
sometimes it's not the flowery feeling of being in love or being in the heart of the hippest crowd in town or being in a superfun party that makes someone happy. it's the feeling of being safe and being in control of our own life...that probably truly makes us happy. so here are some pictures so you can see what i mean.


my work place. hi hi. ok it's my bed. as you can see, i was writing this entry. i'm also trying to organise my notes. TRYING to. i'm pretty crap at organising. but hey i'm trying, see the colour codes and everything?


there's the curtain i made myself. the stitches are all over the place. but i'm proud that it doesnt fall off. and it's been 5months and counting :D as u can see (or not), it's grey outside. but not the kinda grey that makes u feel depressed inside. it's calming, kinda like when it's sunset in msia.


and here's the little ipod by the fake fireplace.

so where am i in this moment? right across the bed (i'm a little person who needs a big space!) and listening to littlest things by lily allen. you're gonna hafta picture that yourself i'm afraid ;)